Thieves

July 19, 2010

When I got in my Jeep this morning, I reached for my phone charger as I usually do…. but it was not there. Perplexed (as I was the first time this happened to me), I lifted the towel in the seat next to me, looking for it. It’s possible I accidentally yanked it out, so I started to look around. That’s when I had the same bizarre realization that something wasn’t right… the back window was down. I had trouble wth it a couple of weeks ago, sliding down of its own free will, so it appeared my quick fix had failed.

That’s when I noticed my gym bag was missing.

At this point, realization dawned on me with red fury. Not again. These little punks had ransacked my car… and that’s when I realized with a sinking feeling that I’d left my purse on the floorboard behind my seat. Luckily, I had my debit card, credit card, and driver’s license in my pocket because I was too lazy to carry my purse in. But that laziness cost me a morning full of headaches as I set about canceling the other two credit cards and setting up monitoring of my credit reports, since the little bastards got my Social Security card and a couple of checkbooks.

Until my house had been broken into, I had never been touched by crime. Since then, with two car break-ins… I’m just MAD. I understand times are tough, but these little punks walking around neighborhoods, lurking in the shadows stealing stuff from hard-working and honest people just PISSES ME OFF. I mean, every time I get ahead, something like this happens. I’m starting to understand how the “shoot the burglar” law came into effect; it’s enough to make me want to shoot one. The sheer creepiness of it; I’m lying asleep and some little punk is prowling around my property, looking for any possible way to get in to steal my stuff… or worse, hurt my daughter or me. The brazeness of them doing it RIGHT IN MY DRIVEWAY infuriates me.

I think it’s time to get a bigger dog. They better pray I don’t ever catch them in the act.


Couth and Claws

July 14, 2010

A close friend stopped by the other day to check on me and make sure I was feeling okay. She was filling me in on all the latest gossip, when she referred to a lady as a “stank ho.” Alex, nearby, turned to look at us with a puzzled expression.

“What’s a ’stank ho’?”

“Ask your stepmother, kid.”

“SHHHHHH!!!” I warned her, viciously.

“I’m sorry. Ask your Grammy instead.”

And this is the point I wish life had a rewind button.


Testimony

July 13, 2010

Since my divorce, I’ve had, quite possibly, the three hardest years of my life. I have found strength I did not know I possessed. I am not afraid to stand up for myself, my feelings, and what I believe in anymore. If you don’t like it, I really don’t care. SO I’m going to tell you about a little experience I had with God. If you don’t like to hear about God, then don’t read it. But if you do… you’re going to love this one.

Admist a personal crisis a few weeks ago (pre-dizziness), knee-deep in some serious depression and emotional strife, I got a phone call. The phone call was from a principal. Apparently, months ago, I’d sent a resume to the school district fully expecting to be denied. I’ve applied for more teaching positions than I can count, only to be turned away by all of them because I never finished my degree. Annoyed that experience meant nothing, I started my own Photoshop group and started teaching. So needless to say, I almost fell out of the chair when the principal called me for an interview.

Honestly, I didn’t expect much. I’ve been disappointed so much lately that I didn’t even get my hopes up. But rather than blow it off, because no dreams are fulfilled if you don’t even try, I went.

I arrived at the interview half an hour early. I sat in the school parking lot with my portfolio and resume in my hand. I decided to take this moment to do something I don’t do nearly enough: I prayed. I talked to God in the most matter-of-fact tone I could muster.

“Okay, God. These past few years have really SUCKED for me. I’m not sure where I’m supposed to be anymore. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing anymore. I *think* I’m good at this stuff, so I’m guessing these are the gifts you gave me to use in this world. So here we go: if this is what you want me to do, please make it clear. I know this would be a dream opportunity for me, but if it’s not your will, then so be it. Just show me what is.”

I walked into the interview. I walked out with a job offer.

But not just any job offer…. my pay will relieve enormous financial pressures I’ve been under. I’ll be teaching in a state-of-the-art classroom with a built-in video studio. My class will work on full versions of the Adobe Master Suite. And I have almost free reign to teach them whatever I want within the realms of Media Technology.

Not just a job. A dream.

The only hurdle was getting accepted into an alternate teaching certification program. Technology professionals are the only exception to the “degree-required” rule. However, without the degree, you do have to be certified by a nationally-recognized program. I’d had my certification from Adobe some years ago, but the cost of maintaining it was too much, so I let it go. But thanks to my Photoshop group, which is recognized by Adobe, I am now able to take the certification exams for free. If I had not followed that dream, that opportunity would have not presented itself. I scheduled the first one, fully expecting to fail the first time because I took no time to study. Waiting in the parking lot, pre-exam, I prayed. Again.

“All right, God. It *feels* like you’re pushing me in this direction for a reason, but I’m not sure. If this is what you want me to do, please make your path clear for me. If not, it’s okay, just show me where you want me to go, and I will.”

I passed the test.

So the final hurdle was this certification program. I was starting to grow discouraged… time is running out, and I was afraid my window of opportunity would close, being shut tightly and wrapped up with all the government red tape I kept encountering. The people weren’t calling. I applied with four different programs, and heard nothing for three weeks. Time was running out. So yesterday, I put it out there to you… my friends, my family…. please…. send your prayers my way. Please, help me find my direction.

They called. I’m in.

There are skeptics that will say, “Oh, Kristie, you’re just being superstitious… you got that job because you’re good at what you do.” Maybe. But I’ve lost countless opportunities despite being good at what I do; why this? Why this one thing that I was unexplicably drawn to, this one thing that would ultimately be a dream come true for me? I don’t believe in destiny or fate anymore… I believe in God’s path for your life. And when you get off that path, things will go horribly awry; I believe he gives you the road signs to get back on track. But if you’re like me, you’re stubborn, and you plow past those signs and do what *you* think is best.

And He’ll knock you down until you listen.

So this is a thank you to everyone who sent your prayers to me yesterday. Thank you to everyone who has supported me. Thank you to everyone who wouldn’t let me rest, wouldn’t let me quit, and wouldn’t listen to me whine. And thanks especially to God, for making his path clear and the enormous amount of blessings he has given me. My life is turning in a brand-new direction… another complete change.

But for the first time, I have no fear, because I know He is with me.


Disordered

July 8, 2010

“This crap is not working.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the anti-nausea meds work, but the anti-dizzy stuff is useless.”

“Did they give you anything else, like an antibiotic or something to take it with?”

“Valium.”

“Well, maybe you’re supposed to take those, stupid.”

“Well, yeah… that makes sense doesn’t it? I need to get back to a normal daily routine, so LET’S PUT KRISTIE IN A COMA.”

“Maybe your doctor was simply making a statement about your mental state. It might be an improvement.”

“I hate you. But you might be right.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Jerk.”


Search…

June 13, 2010

“Mommy, did Daddy teach you how to fix Jeeps?”

“Pish, no, girl.”

“Who did?”

“Google.”


The Altered Horizon

June 11, 2010

For 48 hours after Hurricane Katrina, I sat in horrified silence, not knowing what had become of my family or where they were. I was glued to the television; reports came in of a 12 ft. storm surge in the tiny town of Pearlington where I grew up. I was overjoyed when they showed up at my doorstep in Houston, safe and sound.

The past five years, I’ve watched the Gulf Coast rebuild slowly. I was amazed at how quickly Mississippi began their cleanup; within two weeks, huge bulldozers had cleared parts of the beaches to a pristine state, a stark difference from the disaster that still lay across Hwy 90 where the huge antebellum homes lay in ruins, if anything left lay there at all. I returned home this past year for Mardi Gras, happy to discover many people had rebuilt their stately homes, but there were many empty lots still vacant with a clear concrete slab telling the story of a prior life.

It was sad, but there was hope. It was slow, but it was good…. the people who were left were the “water people.” People who lived and loved the coast. People who still fish for their dinner, and live for the crawfish boils, fried catfish and boiled crabs. People whose idea of entertainment is to get in their boats and head out to ski, swim, fish… or simply sit on their open porches with the breeze rolling in across the Gulf. At my grandmother’s house, a shell of what it was pre-Katrina, we still sit on her back porch, the balmy breeze blowing off the nearby Pearl River.

Watching the oil bear down on those places that have become the symbol of my childhood just sickens me. I’m too disturbed by the damage to be angry yet… until I talk to the locals. Big Corporate swept down quickly, handing out $50K checks in a one-time settlement to some fishermen. These naive and simple people took the check, assuming that the worst would pass quickly, and they could pay off their new shrimp boats and sail happily debt-free into the setset, trawling nets extended.

But weeks later, another picture is emerging. The marshlands are now affected, the thick brown oil washing up in waves and killing the grass that protects the birds from their natural predators. Not that it matters; the dispersents they used to coagulate the oil have sunk to the seafloor, desroying the eco-system from the bottom up. Didn’t you watch Sesame Street? The birdies eat the big fish, the big fish eats the little fish, the little fish eats the shrimp, the shrimp eat the plankton…

But it’s all dead. What do they eat now?

Parts of the Gulf now resemble an underwater Chernobyl; patches of inky blackness with no sign of life. It moves forward, creeping black death consuming the light that was once teeming with life.

Can you blame BP? Certainly. Their greed outweighed their sense to properly protect the workers, the rig, and the environment that surrounded it. Their idea of a “recovery plan” reads like a beautiful work of fiction, right down to the dead wildlife expert who you’re supposed to call in the event of such emergency. You know the person who wrote that report is crapping his pants right now; probably some middle-management flunkie who may or may not have attempted to do the right thing, only to be told to “just write SOMETHING” so they could throw it at some government inspector who they knew would never read it.

“I mean, really? 500 pages? Isn’t there a Cliff Notes version? Tee-time is 9am! I’ll read it later….”

Or should we blame the government? Did they pocket BP bribes to look the other way so that business can move on as usual? Were they inept and poorly trained? Were they given too many sites to inspect them properly, held to some unreasonable schedule that was impossible to maintain?

Or were they just lazy ass bastards? I know government workers; I have a hunch.

Corporate greed and corruption is the American Way. Sad, but true. Bloated, bleeding, overpaid bureaucrats sucking the life out anyone too weak to fight it. Don’t get me wrong; I love America, and I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. But I am not the least bit surprised by this disaster, or the pathetic attempt to handle it, both by the corporation itself and the government who is pretending to be outraged.

Really? You were supposed to be PROTECTING US. Great job there, government. And I’m pointing at BOTH parties. I don’t care about your politics, what color you where, what side you’re on… while you’re all sitting on Capitol Hill squabbling and pointing fingers, the COAST is DYING. Everyone responsible for this disaster should have to be covered in the very oil they covet; try to scrape the sickening stench from your body, layer after layer… Stand there and take it as a dispersant chemical is dumped over your head, just like you did to the neighboring rigs without giving it’s workers adequate protection. Scrub your skin down until it bleeds with Dawn, only to slip and fall back into the oil to start all over again.

You still get to go home to your big fluffy bed when it’s all over. You may still have a job when it’s all said and done. But how are you going to make it right to the thousands of people who make their living on the Gulf? The people who held their heads high, who took responsibility for their choice to live on the Gulf, who danced with Mother Nature and lost, but still chose to love her anyway… cursing Katrina but acknowledging that is simply part of living on the coast…

But this, this is not natural. Katrina laid waste to man’s arrogant claims, wiping the coast clean and returning her to nature. The result became something organic, something pure, and a spirit that both devestated yet flourished a city. This… this is man’s revenge, but there is no grace and wild beauty in it. Creeping black death, drowning and sticky destruction.

Here’s praying the Spirit of Louisiana can live through this. I fear for my people.


She is a Medical Enigma

June 8, 2010

“Well, Ms. Mac, there doesn’t appear to be an infection of the ear canal… that’s good news. My hunch is that she probably had a little sinus trouble or allergies, and instead of blowing it out, it just backed up into the eustacian tubes, and that’s why you’re seeing the drainage.”

“You mean, that’s SNOT coming out of her ear?”

“Basically, yes.”

“That is the grossest thing I’ve ever heard.”


It’s Complicated

June 7, 2010

After a while, life’s issues wear you down so much that you cease to care anymore. Case in point; last week was quite possibly one of the most stressful of my life… and I’ve had some dreadfully stressful weeks in my life. By Thursday, I made some serious, life-changing decisions.

Change, in any form, is exhilirating. But for the most part, it’s just scary as hell. You get used to things, you get comfortable, you start to take life’s blessings for granted… and pretty soon, you forget to cherish the things that really matter and accept things that you normally wouldn’t. I find myself falling into a cycle of complacency, resentment, and upheaval as I recognize things in my life that I don’t want to happen again.

It’s exhausting, but not a sacrifice I can make again. Settling for less than I deserve is no longer an option.

I’ve always avoided the “ultimatum.” I don’t believe true change comes from being forced to make a decision. I’ve heard over and over in life, “people don’t change,” but I don’t believe that. I know they do, because *I* have changed, drastically, from the person I was ten years ago. I owe a great deal of that to my daughter, who I credit for teaching me the value of responsibility, priorities, and the importance of tolerance. Until I became solely responsible for this tiny human being, my life was shallow, empty and superficial. (Not saying people wihtout kids are this way, just that *I* was.)

Rather than issuing an ultimatum, my way has always been to simply let go. I’ve learned through the years that there’s a lot of truth in some cliches, which is probably why they become cliches: but if you love someone, you let them go and let fate decide if you were meant to be. Walking away from someone you love is probably one of the hardest things to do… I’ve walked away from five men in my life who I loved dearly.

Only one has ever fought to keep me. And I have never seen such a fight.

At times frightening, frustrating, annoying, exasperating, vexing… defeating, crushing, overwhelming… despairing, distressing, hurting, grieving… and yet, he never gives up. Never gives in. I have never seen anyone fight so hard, or so long, or so much for someone he loves.

It’s a scary thought; when these kind of events spur change, is the change genuine? Many would say it’s not, and that the changes are just an act of desparation. But sometimes the event of letting go is a catalyst to true change as well… when you realize the depth of everything you are about to lose, you start to assess what’s truly important.

I may be crazy, or naive, or just plain stupid…. but I still believe in the best of people. I always will. I believe in what people are capable of, see them for their true potential. It’s burned me more times than I can count, disappointed me to be core of my being, and ripped my heart to shreds when I’ve been wrong… but I just can’t give up. Not when I see such incredible potential in a person…

Honestly, it comes down to a simple question for me: Would you want someone to give up on you?


The Plan

May 30, 2010

“Mommy, when I grow up and have a baby, I want you to live in my house. When I grow up, I don’t want to live anywhere else…”

“I’ll ask you that again in about 10 years.”


How Do I Count The Ways?

May 30, 2010

How many different ways can you say something before it makes sense? How many times can you beg for something until it becomes nagging?

How long can you wish, or hope, or pray for something, only to have it cast aside…

And how long until the other side grows tired of your disappointment, before looking elsewhere for the things you’re no longer willing, or able, to provide?

I’ll let you know.