Suburban Goddess

My neighbor was driving my truck. I was rather appalled that she would treat it so carelessly, driving up and down the dam, getting mud all over it. She popped it into 4-wheel drive and climbed up the side of the dam, throwing a trail of mud all over the place and coming precariously close to the edge, straight up to the water. A last minute press of the gas pedal pushed the front of the truck over the dam, leaving us to balance like a see-saw.

I looked over at her with my eyes wide in fright, when she calmly stepped out of the truck. The second she did, the front of the truck took a nose dive straight into the murky green water. The water started rushing in at an alarming rate, so I reached for the window….power locks. The power was gone. I panicked, not thinking to simply pull the lock and try to force open the door. The water was coming in too fast, the front of the truck sinking nose first. I looked up through the back window to see my neighbor peering over, until her face became obscured by the green water.

I fumbled frantically with the seat belt, but I was running out of air. The panic was setting in. I was dying.

My eyes popped open, and I gasped for air. The only sound was the whirring of the ceiling fan overhead and the quiet white noise from the baby monitor. And I could not go back to sleep for anything, my mind racing. What if it happened in real life? What if Alex had been in the backseat, strapped into her carseat? What would I really do in a situation like that?

Do power door locks work when submerged?

I allow myself to get entirely too worked up over the stupidest things. I make a PHONE BOOK for a living. Yawn. In one year, all the hard work I put into making this dumb book will be at the bottom of a dumpster or recycling bin. And that’s assuming it makes it through the entire year; it might end up as a booster seat for little Timmy (TIMMY!) or as a leg on the broken sofa in somebody’s trailer down the street. So who CARES if the the address for John Doe is perfectly correct?

I’ll tell you. John Doe cares. John Doe cares so much that he has to call me up and talk my ear off about how inept I am for putting the abbreviation “Dr.” instead of spelling out the word DRIVE. Now, I know I just posted about how important accuracy is, but this is a pretty common abbreviation found in the ADDRESS line, and this guy is all bent out of shape because some moron somewhere might mistake the abbreviation for Doctor, and he’s not a doctor, he’s a plumber.

Well, isn’t that enough to make you want to drive a paper clip into your neck…..

…a train horn for your pick-up truck. I have to say, redneck or not, I’m pretty excited about the newest vehicle modification. As I age (not so gracefully), my patience has definately diminished, and I feel the need to contribute to the growing road rage trend. And let’s face it, it’s really kind of funny. I crack up at the thought of some half-asleep yenta pulling in front of me at the Starbucks line when…..

“BAAAAAAAUUUUUUWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Here comes Amtrak, you rude bitch!”

Hee hee. Yeah, I’m a redneck.

I’m in a bind at work, and I need to hire a temporary artist. So I throw the posting up on a couple of job boards, and a few hours later, I’m buried under a pile of resumés.

Now, I know graphic designers are atrocious spellers. I, myself am a typing train wreck. However, my RESUMÉ is spotless. I let my engineer husband double-check it, and then run it through a rigorous spell-check. Then I stare at it for hours, trying to iron out all the horrible English faux-pas that I have aquired from years in advertising. (My high school English teacher would be apalled). Your resumé speaks volumes about your personality. Seeing as how I’m in the phone book industry, accuracy is not just a plus, it’s a requirement.

So I’m looking at these things, and I weep for humanity. Here’s a few tips for you Gen Y’s who are currently job shopping:

1. Don’t use big words that you’re not familiar with. (Ex. “I enjoy many forms of art from painting to ceramics and have truly missed the pleaser that comes with creating new and exciting works of art be it on a canvas or a computer.)

2. Dust off the old English book on adjectives. (Ex. “I can utilize my creative ability and education to my fullest potential.”)

3. Even though it’s email, CAPITALIZE. (Ex. “please feel free to contact me at anytime.”)

4. If you’re interviewing for a Graphic Designer position, do NOT send this to me…. (Ex.”I am proficient in the following software programs: Microsoft Word, Excel, Outlook, and PowerPoint.”)

I know I’m being harsh, but this is a CAREER. I made the choice to do this for a living, and it is truly insulting to me that people like this are getting jobs while I’m being passed over.

You can have all the talent in the world, but if you can’t get your own information correct, how can I trust you to get my customer’s stuff right?

Nickelback - Animals
Nine Inch Nails - Only
Micheal Bublé - Feeling Good
Blackeyed Peas - My Humps

I am a diverse and musically challenged individual.

I had an altercation with a co-worker today that left me with a not-so-fuzzy feeling.

I was recently promoted, which puts me in the same circle as this person. I made a decision and enforced it, and immediately received a phone call. I had spoken to my boss prior to making the decision, and he backed me up on it, so I was pretty confident that I had made the right one. Until the call came.

“Why did you do this?”
“Because allowing it to happen would be bad business.”
“But I signed off on it.”
“I realize that, but that doesn’t make it right.”
“Well, you just basically overrulled my decision and made me look bad in front of my staff.”

I paused for a moment. So he wanted me to reverse my decision and make ME look bad in front of MY staff so that he could save face for making a bad decision?

“I understand that you’re not happy about it, and I’m willing to discuss it, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s bad business.”
“Well that’s the way business has always been done until you came along.”

Ahhh…Ouch. So are we saying I don’t know what I’m doing? Doubt started to creep in. Maybe it wasn’t a good decision; after all, in the end the customer may suffer. Now he was under my skin.

“That still doesn’t make it right. I have a department to run.”
“I’m just telling you this is the way it has always been done. If I sign off on something, then there’s obviously a reason that I signed off on it, and you don’t need to question that.” (So basically, anytime this man signs off on something, right or wrong, my opinion isn’t worth shit. Hmmm.)

“Fine, we’ll do it this time, but it will be addressed in the future.”
“Uh huh, okay. I have real business to attend to now.” Click.

And as I replayed the conversation over and over in my head, I began to grow angry. I had just been a victim of the “hard close.” Seeing that I’m married to a salesman, I usually see that tactic a mile away. But mixed with a good healthy dose of condescension and intimidation, it’s a little bit harder to deal with than I anticipated.

Welcome to management. I’ll be ready next time.

I stumbled across another blog the other day that had me in tears. I was laughling so hard I thought I would pee on myself. The woman, an ex-web designer (already, I like her), was fired from her trendy LA job when she made work-related posts about her job. (Now I REALLY like her).

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve vented on this site, only to hit the erase button after feverishly typing for twenty minutes. There is always this FEAR that maybe, just maybe, the wrong person will stumble across it and you will pay dearly for stating your opinion in a public forum. Maybe my mother-in-law might take something the wrong way, maybe my father will get his feelings hurt. Maybe someone I work with has a personal vendetta against me that I don’t know about (the copy of Photoshop on my laptop is licensed, I SWEAR). So while I was reading this woman’s site, I realized these fears are rooted in good, old-fashioned common sense. It DOES happen. It’s not fair, but it does. Do I have potential clients who don’t use my services because I curse on my site? Should I censor myself?

Surely, work-related details have no business on the Web. That, I can agree with. But where should you draw the line on your opinions, especially when your blog is linked to your corporate site?

In my personal opinion, I don’t particularly care if they don’t agree. Right now, my income is not dependent on my freelance design. It’s just a side project. Plus, if said person does not agree with my views & chooses not to use me simply because of that, well then, I don’t think working with them would have been all that fun, anyway. So until I have to depend on the whims of perfect strangers, screw you! I’ll say what I want.

I HATE it when someone talks over someone else. It drives me absolutely insane. It is beyond rude. But even worse than the rude over-talker, is the over-talker who starts over-talking and completely changes the subject, like you were never saying anything to begin with.

I have a neighbor who is basically a nice guy. He thinks he knows everything, which gets on some people’s nerves, but me, I just see it as a cry from his low self-esteem. So I don’t take it personally when he launches into an “I know more than you” tirade and tries to take control of the conversation. I do, however, draw the line when he starts talking like I was sitting quietly. I started to jump into a conversation, and he began talking. I sat there quietly fuming for a few moments, but I kept my cool, silently fighting the urge to thump him squarely on the back of the head. A few moments later, I saw an opportunity to point it out.

“Did you not realize I was saying something a moment ago?” I asked him quietly.

“What do you mean?” he said with a puzzled look on his face.

“I was speaking, and you began talking like I wasn’t saying anything. You’ve done it quite a few times now. I just wanted to know if you found me that boring or if you were just being rude.” He looked back at me with a surprised look on his face.

“Gosh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was doing that,” he apologized. I somehow doubted that, but I decided to forgive and forget. It didn’t happen again the rest of the evening.

Sometimes it pays to speak what’s on your mind, as long as you wait your turn.

I overheard a couple of my co-workers talking today, and I had to smile..

“Did you hear about the wildfires in North Texas? And what about the earthquakes in Afganistan? Between those, the tornados and the hurricanes, I think it might be the apocylpse…”

“I know, it’s like God’s trying to shake the bad people off the earth… all those Muslims have to pay for not praising Jesus…” (because we all know that the Midwest is overrun with Muslims, especially northern Texas)

“Well, our pastor said last Sunday that it was the time to repent and pray for all those people over there. He didn’t say that the end was coming or anything, but he did say that these were signs from God.” (And some would say it’s the effects of global warming, but who am I to argue with God?)

“I think it’s a good thing, personally. All those people crammed into that small space, they were probably miserable anyway.”

And the same thing could be said about New York. It amazes me how much we take for granted.