Suburban Goddess

There was a rather large party in my neighborhood this weekend. It’s become somewhat of an annual event. We had a few friends in town, so we decided to go, and it was there that I realized I have absolutely no social skills whatsoever.

I hate small talk. I hate when people ask me questions and don’t listen to the answers just for the sake of filling some awkward silence. I suppose it’s better than the awkward silence, but it is not a skill I possess. And I don’t like being told what you THINK I want to hear; just be REAL with me. Don’t give me the fake smile with the feigned interest when I can tell you’re just waiting for the second the conversation is over so you can get away. I found myself letting some of the conversations lapse into that uncomfortable place, simply because I know some people can’t handle that space & will go away.

I know I’m coming across as anti-social, but truly, I’m not. I want to be accepted, and I want to be part of the group, but I can’t bring myself to fake something that doesn’t exist. Generally, people who accept this monster character flaw of mine get to meet the real me, and usually, sometimes, end up liking me. Those who can’t break past the barrier are generally not people I’d hang out with anyway.

Is this the result of being an only child? Of low self-esteem? Self-importance? I really don’t think I’m better than anyone else; I just prefer to hang with people that I CONNECT with. I have so little free time in my life, that I really like to make it count.

This entry was posted on May 1, 2006 at 9:14 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.