Suburban Goddess

There’s a lot of reasons it’s good to be a redneck these days.

1.) The Return of The Camaro: Yes, the car that is the staple of trailer parks everywhere is slated to return. I, for one, am overjoyed at the return of the sports car, no matter what kind. As I clung to my redneck roots, zipping around the monstrous SUV’s piloted by Yenta Zombies, I knew that the Tank Trend couldn’t last.

But the Camaro has a special place in my heart. I had a Camaro in high school, (scratch that, I had a Hyundai & my mom had the Camaro, but she refused to drive it because “it had too much power,” so I was only allowed to drive it when I begged until her ears bled or unless she had an errand to run.) It was a 1984 model, six cylinder, automatic (too much power????), in a glossy black. That black paint job taught me a valuable lesson in life: never slide across the hood Bo Duke style when you have rivets on your Guess jeans. Anyway, the car was previously owned by a relative who disclosed there was a slight electrical problem. That translates to: the headlights would mysteriously FADE OUT slowly, then come back on. It was particularly unnerving after twilight on the Louisiana back roads with their infamous crater-ditches that fell two inches from the asphalt. This electrical trait lead many of my friends to refuse to set foot in the car, who became affectionately known as “Christine.” Viva la Camaro! Yee haw!

2.) WalMart slated to sell “America’s Gas.” Now, I know that most rednecks will look at this with disdain at first. Tree-huggin’ gas made out of corn? But we need to think this through… instead of turning over every cushion in the house and raiding your two-year old sister/cousin’s piggy bank to scrape up $3.24 to put in your Hemi-powered Pontiac Firebird (yes, I said Hemi-powered FIREBIRD), now you can run out back to MeMaw’s garden & pluck some corn! Better yet, you’re gonna be at WalMart anyway, so now you don’t have to push the car to the gas station, and now you’ll actually be able to get more gas for less! Hoo-doggie!

3.) The Return Of The Mullet! Haha. Just a joke. Thought I’d scare you guys for a minute.

Yeah, it’s a good time to be redneck. I think 2007 is gonna be our year….

This entry was posted on August 9, 2006 at 5:34 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.