Suburban Goddess

As a Louisiana native, I’ve always rooted for Britney. I watched in horror as she slowly poisoned her career, making PR mistake after PR mistake after PR mistake. But I feel strangely connected to Britney in a way, because I UNDERSTAND where she comes from. There are some serious cultural issues playing out in this drama, & if you’re not familiar with Louisiana, you may not understand Britney & write her off as just plain stupid. But there’s so much more going on here…

Nothing Britney has done has ever surprised me. She’s a redneck who won the beauty gene lottery. There’s lots of those out there; just turn on CMT (No, don’t do that… your IQ will drop immediately and I can’t be held responsible). But every mistake she’s made is typical of a backwood Louisiana redneck. If a redneck wins the lottery, they blow all their money on stuff they don’t need. Britney did that. Her financial advisors should be commended since she still appears to have money to spend. Somebody with a brain and a conscience must have taken pity on this girl & thought, “I’d better find a way to invest this girl’s money in something before she screws everything up.”

Beautiful redneck girls always end up with tall, skinny, pot-smoking deadbeats who steal their money while they’re out working all day. Britney did that. (I did that, too!!) And these deadbeats usually cheat on the Beautiful Redneck, too. I don’t know K-Fed, but I’d venture to guess that he’s probably a perfect fit for the Deadbeat Druggie mold. Just call it a hunch. When I first laid eyes on the man who stole Britney’s heart, my own heart was broken. No, Britney, no. Don’t you see? He’s the Hollywood equivelant of a Chalmatian. You’re so much BETTER than that…. Do you want your kids growing up in the Ninth Ward? No, Britney, no…

Beautiful redneck girls end up pregnant at a young age because THAT IS THE SOUTHERN WAY. Think I’m kidding? My best friend moved to Boston & told me that the cultural differences were amazing. In Boston, if you’re single at 27, that’s perfectly acceptable. In Louisana, if you’re single at 27, you’re either ugly or divorced at least once. (Me,personally, divorced. I’d like to think I don’t fall into the first catagory, but then, don’t we all?)

Beautiful rednecks think that leather outfits are classy if they have a designer label in them. Britney did that. I personally think her publicist should be shot. Who let her out of the house in that leather outfit? No, Britney, no. You can afford a nice dress. We all know you’re hot; don’t make the cry for attention with a bullhorn and sirens.

I can only hope that motherhood has jarred this girl’s brain awake. Divorcing the deadbeat is a huge step in a positive direction… I only pray she comes out of this with a new sense of maturity. Angelina turned her disaster life around, and look at her now! I hope that Britney will do the same.

I’m still rooting for you, Brit. Make Louisiana proud.

This entry was posted on November 8, 2006 at 6:43 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.