Life Is Not Fair
As I struggle to get through each day, I am struck by the unfairness of my situation. Everything I care about is being taken away from me. My husband, my best friend, my lover, my home, my family, & my dreams of a future with the man I love. I have no say over it, I have no control. It makes me physically sick to deal with it; I cannot eat, I cannot focus. I try to worry about the day ahead of me, and not to project beyond that. One day at a time. But I don’t know when I’ll be asked to leave my home; I don’t know when my car will disappear. And I fall back into a state of panic that leaves me frightened beyond words. I hate him for putting me through this. I was not perfect, but I TRIED. I cared enough to TRY to fix it.
After almost three months of being shut out, I have decided that I can’t take it anymore. Every move he makes points to the obvious; he’s not coming back. He’s waiting for his lease to run out so he can move back into the house, move me out, and carry on with his life. Just a speed bump in his empty life. And that’s his right; it’s his decision, & there is nothing I can do to change that.
But as we started to talk about the details of splitting up, the topic turned to custody of our beautiful daughter. I just assumed the responsibility would be mine; he’s been an absentee father for months. He’s not a bad father, by any means, but his life is too hectic, too unstructured for a baby girl. He travels a lot; he parties a lot. He lives life for the next adreneline rush; the life of a parent is far less glamourous. I give her a schedule, I give her structure, I give her discipline. But most of all, I give her complete & unconditional love. She is my life, my heart. I was struck with terror when he said he wanted her for “half the time.”
I’ve always been an advocate of father’s rights. All of my ex’s had children, and I watched mothers dangle their children in front of them, using them as a tool in their power plays. The one thing I DO NOT want to do to my daughter is use her in that way. I could not imagine keeping her from him; her face lights up when she sees her “Daddy.” The only reason I’m staying in Texas is so that she can be close to him. He says I have too much to lose if I return to Louisiana, but I disagree. I have family there, and with family comes love and support. And that is what I want my daughter to know she will always have; love & support. (Proof again that he has no clue what’s important in my life.)
But now I’m struck with a dilemna that is more painful than I could ever describe. I am going to be excluded from HALF of my daughter’s life. No trips to the Ranch together, which means I won’t see her tiny face light up when she sees “Horseys.” No trips Jeeping together, watching her dangle from the car seat with hysterical giggling. All these events that will happen in her life, that I will not get to watch her experience. Because he has decided to leave.
He says that he cannot be a “every other weekend Dad” again. I say he doesn’t have to be. My door is always open where she is concerned. He says “it’s not fair” that I should get her more than he does. He’s right; it’s not fair.
It’s also not fair for you to commit your life to someone and then change your mind when the going gets tough. It’s not fair that I have to give up EVERYTHING in my life that means ANYTHING, & stay in a state that has brought me so much heartache simply so he can be near his daughter. It’s not fair that I have to tell my family I cannot move home because I do not want to lose my daughter. It’s not fair that he gets to continue the exact same life in MY house with MY yard & MY friends, and I have to start completely over.
It’s not fair that for YEARS I have endured his selfishness, and I’m rewarded for my patience with this final act of selfishness beyond comprehension. It’s not fair that I have to put up with him for the next sixteen+ years, to look at the face who once pledged his love & life to me and know that I mean NOTHING to him now.
Don’t talk to me about what’s not fair. I KNOW unfairness.
January 20th, 2007 at 9:08 am
My wife, having been through this before would say the most intense pain is the loss of what you thought you had. I know that doesn’t help, but it helped her get through it over time.