This Is My Apology
My husband was devestated by my post yesterday. But instead of blasting me, he called to discuss it in a mature, calm, and heartfelt manner.
It was completely unlike him. And I liked it.
So I got to thinking about some of the things he said, and how I might be making this situation worse with the role I am playing in it. And I realized something about myself; the very reason I loved him is because he was, & is, different. I can’t expect him to react to normal problems like everyone else, because I’ve never wanted him to be like anyone else. And even in this difficult time, he’s staying true to what I wanted. He didn’t handle problems in our marriage in the traditional get-counseling-send-flowers kind of way. I see moving out as an end; he sees moving out as a way to regroup. I don’t agree with it, and I don’t like it, but when I step back and look around, there are subtle changes. And I know from personal experience, that sometimes life-changing ephiphanies only come across in my life as subtle changes. What looks like tiny things I’m doing on the outside takes great strength, courage, and trust on the inside.
So when he apologizes for hurting me, I should not blow it off as guilt. There was a time in his life when he wouldn’t have even offered the apology. And when he calls to talk, I need to open my mind and heart, even though I’m terrified to let my guard down. Becuase he’s letting his down, something he wouldn’t have done before.
So I see the changes, the attempts, and the effort. I know it is hard. I can’t expect two years of hurt to disintegrate overnight. That he still calls, that he still makes an effort at all, that should say something.
It just goes to show that the way you see things play out in your head are just fantasies. Time for me to get back to reality now. But God, I wish I knew there was a happy ending at the end of this story. Because I never watched Titanic again….