Anxiety
For the past few mornings, I’ve awoke with a start. My mind immediately begins to race, running away with the “what if’s.” I get myself in such a fit that I can’t go back to sleep, and then I’m stuck lying there working myself into full blown panic attacks.
The absurdity of it hits me later. But I can’t stop. If I start to focus on my situation, it sends me into a full-fledged downward spiral. So I try to stay as busy as possible. It seems to work for others; it’s time to put it to work on myself. I’ve surrounded myself with positive, caring people (actually, they’ve always been there, regardless of my situation.) I’ve signed up for a few hobbies that I’ve always wanted to try. I’ve busied myself with the task of finding a new home, packing, cleaning, etc…. but night-time, I can’t hide from it.
As I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, I start to think about things may will never happen. Certain friends have picked up on my weakness and call later in the evening, despite the double-digit rule. Some nights I’m thankful that they ignore it. Sometimes it seems that other people know me better than I know myself at the moment. They try to remind me of who I am. They try to pull me back into myself.
I’ve never been a religious person, but I can honestly say that I do have a spiritual side. And it seems to me that a higher power has put these people in my life for a reason. They continually pick me up when I stumble, despite the fact that only one of them is within a 400 mile radius of me. They reach across the distance, from all corners of the country, at all times of the day. In the most bizarre acts of fate, it’s always at the moment I am at my lowest. “I was just thinking about you, making sure you’re okay.”
How do they know? Not that it matters; it only matters that they do.
I hope that I never have to return the favor, but if I do, I will be there for them. It’s the very least I could do.
March 14th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
It’s posts like this one that I completely understand. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing there are certain friends that are tuned in well enough to pick up the phone or send a text and ask if you need anything. Friendship is about returning favors without realizing that’s what you’re doing. You will return the favor but you may not realize you’re doing it.