A Matter Of Semantics
I heard a statement that got me thinking. The statement was “I’ve done everything I can do.” And I was righteously indignant when I heard that; obviously, I disagreed, and disagreed STRONGLY.
But then I started thinking… maybe it’s the semantics. IMO, a more appropriate way to say that would be, “I’ve done everything I’m willing to do.” Because maybe what I expect Chip to do is not something he can. Maybe the things I wanted Chip to do for me are so far out of his realm of understanding that it’s simply not POSSIBLE for him to do these things. Maybe to do them would push him outside of himself as the compromises I made in our marriage pushed me away from MYSELF. And there’s something to be respected there; you can compromise for someone, you can try to make them happy, but if you’re miserable while you’re doing them, then maybe you need to re-evaluate the situation.
When I look at it that way, I don’t think I’ve done everything I can to save this marriage. I could feign a passion that does not exist for a while, and maybe it would slowly become something real once again, but in the meantime I would not be true to myself, because I would be sacrificing the things that I need fror the sake of making him happy, while in the meantime I know he would not give me the things that I care about. I could wait for years in hopes that he would change and see the things that are important to me, but in reality, people rarely change, and people like Chip don’t ever see the need to.
I realized that I’ve said the same thing. “I’ve done everything I can.” Have I? No. I know in my heart that I haven’t. Will I? No. Because at the end of the day, I have to be true to myself. I can’t go back to the zombie that I became. And I’m not implying he made me that way; it was completely self-imposed. I compromised & compromised & compromised until there was nothing left of me, and we were living his life… even HE wasn’t happy with that.
The irony is, in the end, I made all these compromises in the hopes that he would never leave me, and it drove him away. So how could I ever expect someone who recognizes that to do the same thing for me?
April 12th, 2007 at 5:43 am
…but if you’re miserable while you’re doing them…
Sorry, just could not resist! Apologies - not trying to make light of a crap situation, but that line just jumped out at me.
April 12th, 2007 at 6:52 am
I don’t agree with everything you are saying, but the information that provoked this writing was incorrect and 2nd hand information. Did I do everything possible? No. We are BOTH guilty of that. We both have things about ourselves that we are unable to change and that is not necessarily a good attribute to have. Do I expect a marriage or relationship to be happy go lucky all the time, no way. I am not trying to place blame or point a finger. I can respect your thoughts, but the basis of it was taken out of context and not what was said.
April 12th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
The statement, in any context, doesn’t matter.
The heart of the matter is that for whatever reason, you chose not to stay and work it out, and I’m still trying to figure out why.
August 1st, 2008 at 9:45 am
You Said” The irony is, in the end, I made all these compromises in the hopes that he would never leave me, and it drove him away. So how could I ever expect someone who recognizes that to do the same thing for me?
Only a person in love with you would do this: He would not allow you to compromise in the first place, as you would not allow him as well.
As for why the leaving partner makes their mind up without clarifying: They cant clarify it, not in a manner which makes sense. It would likely destroy their altruistic self. We all must believe we are inherently good, regardless the consequences. Many paths we can chose, but we chose one regardless we think it through or not.