Suburban Goddess

I was in a great mood yesterday; I was coming off a great weekend, my financing for my home is finally in order, I was happy to see my daughter… so I decided to let go of some of my anger yesterday and try to be nice to Chip for a change. (I’m never deliberately mean, just cold. And that’s purely out of self-defense. I’m not emotionally equipped to be my soon-to-be-ex-husband’s “buddy” right now.)

So we were having a decent conversation when he drops the bomb that he spoke to the lawyer, and he’s filing the divorce papers today.

It was the equivelent to being kicked in the stomach. I seriously could not breathe for a moment. It’s not like it was a big surprise or anything; I knew it was coming. But there’s a finality in it that I can’t describe. I HATED my first husband, but when I got served the divorce papers (at work, no less), I still broke down and cried. It’s a colassal failure in writing; a public record for the entire world to see, a black mark on your permanent record.

Suddenly, I was just insanely furious at him. I hated him for dragging me through this, I hated him for letting me down. I hated him for being a selfish bastard and I hated him for stealing half my daughter’s life from me. I hated him for being nice to me, because I can’t handle nice. I wanted to be able to hate him with a clear conscience, and know that this is entirely his fault, and that I’m not a complete failure AGAIN.

Because this is my reality; every seven years, the man I pledge my life to leaves me. I can only blame them so much; there has to be SOME reason that this happens. There must be SOMETHING I do to drive them away.

Not to mention it’s seriously depressing when someone basically says, “I just can’t stand to be with you anymore.”

So, in my anger, I let loose yesterday. I’m sure I said things that I didn’t mean, and I know I said some things that I DID mean. I was in such an anger-driven, frustration-fueled haze that I don’t even remember what I said. But I am SICK of him acting as if he’s doing me a favor. And if I don’t acknowedge the little nice things that he does, he gets his feelings hurt, and that just pisses me off even further.

You expect me to be grateful right now?

You LEFT me.

I am NOT happy about that.

And no amount of “help” is going to change that fact. It doesn’t make it easier, it doesn’t make it better. Perhaps he does do things because he genuinely cares about my well-being, but right now, given the circumstances, I can’t really believe that. To me, it just looks like the actions of a guilty man, and all the “help” I’m getting directly benefits HIS situation in some way.

And that was pretty much the story of our life.

This entry was posted on April 24, 2007 at 6:23 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.