I’m Done With This One
I’ve been dealing with my ex’s betrayal for about 48 hours now, and I have come to the conclusion that I am done. It doesn’t matter anyway.
He has always been selfish. He has always thought the world revolved around him, and when it didn’t, he would pout. He was the emotional equivelent of an 8-year-old. He never truly connected with me, never truly opened up completely to me, and never showed me that he had the ability to be vunerable.
He was hopelessly UNROMANTIC. Sure, he had his own way, but it was so few and far between, that to me, it seemed non-existant. He never accepted me for what I was, and while we’re being honest, let just say his selfishness carried over into other areas that left me feeling unfulfilled, unsatisfied, and unhappy.
This is the reality I avoided for years. This was not the person I was meant to be with. And the resentment I harbored for his lack of emotion, consideration, and communication is what drove him into the arms of this other woman. And that’s okay, because he wasn’t meant to be with me.
Salcam, you’re right. I’m definately better off without this one. What I should have done years ago is opened my eyes and saw him for EXACTLY what he was. Everyone else knew it. Everyone else warned me. Even his own family kept asking me, “Are you sure?” My closest friends questioned my judgement; sure, he’s a funny, outgoing guy, but ARE YOU SURE? While we were married, everyone would tell me I had way more patience then they did.
You’re right. I did!
But in the end, none of it matters. It’s over, done, and finished. All I was meant to get out of this relationship is a beautiful daughter and the realization that I CANNOT COMPROMISE on the features that I consider important. If a man is not romantic during the first year of courtship, then how can I expect him to be for the rest of my life? If a man cannot deal with my negative streak for more than fifteen mintues, then it’s not going to last. And if a man is not going to stand by me during the rough times, and really WORK to keep the realtionship together, then I’m better off without him, because that’s not a man.
I’m not saying Chip didn’t have positive qualities. He had a lot of them. But I’ve been hanging on to those for so long, refusing to see the OTHER qualities that were screaming at me the whole time. The things that are important to me were never there. And that’s why it’s time to cut my losses, accept reality, and move on.
May 29th, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Probably shouldn’t point this out, sweetie, but you are never going to be done with Chip since he is the father of the best thing left in your life. For HER sake you need to maintain some kind of even keel. The child will love her daddy, it’s her right to do so and you must never show her how YOU feel about him. When you want to go off on him/about him look into her sweet face and think about what all this will do to her.
Sorry to butt in but I can’t keep my keyboard quiet another moment. I know someone suggested drugs and you got sore about that, but you might want to step back and consider if something might not take the edge off and allow you to focus on the important stuff so the crap can keep on rollin’ downhill. Talk to a doctor you trust. It’s not a bad thing to ask for a little help now and again.
The best thing you can do is what you are doing… take it one day at a time and write about it when you need to.
Hugs….
July 28th, 2008 at 3:04 am
You cant stop loving a person once you’ve fallen for them. Nor can you make less of the love you have for them than the size it ever grows. My own love for the X I rationalized all sorts of things,, I said things like I was disconnecting, a part of me left, etc.. but it does not work that way. However we are able to grow love, it is a one way street, it can not be diminished. For myself it was like realizing I had birthed a child just as alive and free. Deep breath, come on suck it in. Do not think for a second that God loves the devil any less than all else, he/she simply wont tolerate evil. Note: I think of God as a she, since I’m a guy,, well its simpler to relate, shrug,,, its me.
Easy on those qualifications. There is only one: You must know him, I mean know… The guy that just spills his guts to you, and allows you do the same with him: Thats it,,, right there… Full of energy, rambling on every thought pops in for review. You forgot about that one didn’t you? Couple of ways to fall in love, this one here, talking heads off,,, is real and lasting. The nut we occasionally run into, wouldn’t pass this muster, would they?