Suburban Goddess

Well, last night was uneventful. Thankfully. The Step-Kid was awesome, and he was really happy I came, which made all the strife worth it.

When I got there, K had a seat saved for me with a direct view of the ex & the girlfriend. (The play was “A Midsummer Nights’ Dream,” in the round.) So I was immediately faced with the reality that the person I spent the last seven years of my life with has moved on. He sat there, leaned into her, with his hand high on her thigh. It was EXACTLY the way he used to sit with me. He would lean in and whisper to her occasionally, and I could almost hear his voice in my ear.

It was like I stepped out of my body, and I was watching him with ME exactly seven years ago. Seriously, it was the closest thing I’ve ever had to an out-of-body experience in my life. It was the most bizarre thing I’ve ever experienced. This must be what it feels like to look down from heaven and see your widow with the next person after you…. because there was absolutely NO jealousy…

I know many people are staring skeptically at the screen right now going, “yeah, right….” But I’m telling the truth. At first, there was an initial shock of pain, seeing how easily I was replaced. Then a brief moment of jealousy, thinking, “that’s MY place she’s sitting in…” But then came the reason…

Did I REALLY want to be sitting there where she was? With this man’s hand on MY thigh? And the memories came rushing back… his smell, his breath, his lack of attention, his scratchy face…. and then I thought about my Angel, and the touch of his hand, and the clean smell of his skin, and the way his beautiful blue eyes stay riveted on me as I’m talking… and I suddenly felt free. I’m not caught in an emotionless existence anymore.

I had a pang of sympathy for that woman sitting there. Maybe she’ll have what it takes to draw it out of that man, but already, I’ve seen his actions have not changed. He will not change. I hope she is happy with what she has, because that is all she will ever get.

I had too many needs that he simply could not fill. And suddenly I realized how frustrating it must have been for him, too, to be married to someone who expected so much of him. Being married to a woman who constantly reminded him that he WASN’T Superman, and he COULDN’T make her happy, no matter how hard he tried.

He just didn’t know the right way to do it. Or, more accurately (because there is no “right way”), he didn’t understand the way I wanted it done. And he isn’t capable of ever understanding that, because it’s just not part of who he was. I wish we could have realized that before we tried to commit our lives to each other. But then, there wouldn’t be an Alex. And what a boring world it would be without Alex…

After the play, I went over for the “big meeting.” The Girl held her hand out with a smile. I took her hand, and pulled her to me, giving her a big hug. I know it surprised her. I think it surprised Chip even more. But not as much as it surprised me… I don’t know where it came from, but something inside of me wanted to thank this woman for setting me free…

If it wasn’t for her, I WOULD have been the one sitting there.

This entry was posted on June 23, 2007 at 6:05 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.