Suburban Goddess

One of our older salesmen walked into my cubicle earlier and while he was waiting for me to finish the business I was tending to, he started to look around at the photographs I have in various frames. After a moment, he pointed to the photograph of me & my best friend.

“Who’s this girl?” he asked. “She looks just like a girl I used to date.”

I turned in my chair, expecting him to be pointing at my friend. He wasn’t.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No. Who is that?”

“It’s ME.” I hear snickers all around me rising from my cube-mates.

“NO. That’s NOT YOU. You were a blonde?”

“For a while.”

“I swear, you look JUST LIKE a girl a used to date for years.” More snickers. I see my credibility quickly disintegrating amongst my staff. I turned back to my screen, hoping he would just go away.

“Are you SURE that’s you?”

“Um, pretty sure.”

“Wow. If I were a few years younger…” The snickers are now making way for the giggles… I sat very quietly, waiting for him to take the hint. After a moment of uncomfortable silence, he walked away, and I braced myself for the onslaught.

I didn’t wait long.

“Sugar Daddy!” “Man Bait!” “MILF!” “Hot Mama!”

This is the hell I must endure.

Exxon Mobil tops the list as the year’s most profitable company.

Really?  No kidding.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I’m paying almost $3 a gallon at the pump.  Tillerson is raking in more money in a month than I’ll probably see my entire lifetime.

Perhaps it’s sick and twisted, but I WANT the world to run out of oil and natural gas reserves.  Maybe then we will start to see the energy reform that we should have started seeing fifty years ago. Cleaner, CHEAPER energy.  But then, cheaper doesn’t keep a bunch of stuffed shirts on unlimited golf outings and business trips to Vegas, does it?

“Is that your FOURTH cup of coffee?”

“You’re counting?”

“It’s not even 9am yet!”

“I know.  I’m tired.”

“Oh good God, we’re all gonna die today…”

I suddenly understand the pressure on today’s husbands, especially those that carry an entire household on their sole income.

When I was single, I was not the most fiscally responsible person… when it came down to alcohol or rent, alcohol usually won. Then, two days after the rent was due, I’d pull two 16 hour shifts to make up the difference, backdate the check, and slip it under the superintendent’s door…

Good times, good times.

But now that I have another life that I’m responsible for, things are very different. I can’t run out and buy the new iPhone just because I want it (and I REALLY, REALLY want it….); I have to plan ahead for rainy days. Like when the garbage disposal goes out (like last night). Or when my daughter wakes up with a puffy face, and I have to take her to the doctor to find out she’s allergic to mosquito bites. Because I’ve discovered that “I’ll have the money in a few days” will not get you healthcare. And although I, personally, would easily suffer through a few days with a puffy face to save a buck, I cannot look at that beautiful little girl who now looks like the Elephant Man’s cousin without being sure there is nothing I can do to help her.

You have to be prepared. Which means you have to save, and saving has never really been my strong point. SPENDING, on the other hand…. got it. So I sat down with my laptop and created a spreadsheet, complete with formulas, to keep myself on track. I had a number in mind for the end of the day, my play money for the month, but was surprised to find that the final number was far more than I expected.

Am I that good?

I ran down the list again, making sure I had accounted for all of my expenses. Car? Check. Mortgage? Check. Electricity? Check…. this couldn’t possibly be right. I had almost $1000 left over! Why was I so worried about making ends meet? But just to be sure, I forwarded the spreadsheet to a friend who immediately called me. Of course, I had screwed it up.

“It’s a good thing you draw for a living.”

“I don’t DRAW FOR A LIVING. And why do you say that?”

“I’ve never seen a formula field with so many plus signs….”

“What? That field + that field + that field + that field = total, right?”

“Oh God. Kristie?”

“What?”

“Stick to Photoshop…..”

“I TOLD you I suck at math….”

“R u f&##ing kidding me? GROW UP!!!”

Are you kidding ME? You’re 33 years old and speaking with letters…

I wanted to see where I was a year ago, so I could put my life back in perspective. I flipped back to July 2006, and found that my life is COMPLETELY different than it was then.

Last year I…

• Believed my marriage would last forever

• Hated most of my staff

• Still believed that Dubya was relatively sane (he’s not the only slow learner….)

• Was running religiously

• Had grandiose ideals about the way the world should run and who should run it

• Thought that my life was WAY more dramatic than it actually was

Who says people don’t change? I don’t even recognize that life anymore…what a clueless Yenta I was. But as messed up as things have become in the past year, it gives me great hope. Because if things can change this drastically in one year’s time, who knows what I’ll have accomplished by July of next year…

I’m dreaming of a tropical paradise, a bungalow perched above beautiful blue water…. the sound of the thatched roof whispering romantic sentiments as I lie on the deck, watching the sun sink into the horizon….

And then I open my eyes. The drab grey of the cubicle wall stares back at me.

Damn.

I’ve been thinking a lot about perceptions lately. A few weeks ago, I was at a management seminar, where I was warned in no uncertain terms:

“Perception IS reality.”

And in the workplace, that is SO true. If you make an offhand comment, and it is PERCEIVED to be one thing even though you meant it in a totally harmless way, it doesn’t matter. You’ve got a lawsuit. And you’ll probably lose.

I have a lot of perceptions in my personal life, too. Certain people perceive me as strong and independent. I couldn’t disagree more; I don’t feel either strong OR independent. But my actions could be misinterpreted as such. I’m simply a single mom trying to get by the only way I know how. Strong? Maybe. I look at it more as “surviving.” Independent? Only because I have no other alternatives.

Today I was accused of being whiney, jealous, and negative. The funny thing is, I perceive myself this way, too. And I do so without regret or apology; this is part of what I am. I know my faults, and I know my weaknesses. But I am so much more than that… and to have that hurled at me in such a hateful way really hurt.

I think I have a few positive qualities, too.

This is my apology to the ex…

Apparently, there was some miscommunication between the two of us concerning child support. I guess that’s what I get for not going to court for the divorce. Anyway, it had to be set up through the state, and evidently, Texas bureaucracy is as reliable as the federal bureaucracy. So he was under the impression that everything was taken care of, where I was under the impression that he was shirking his responsibility.

I was wrong. I can admit that.

So my sincerest apologies to the ex, and any strife I may have created in his life. It is not my intention, no matter what you think. I don’t intentionally set out to inflict pain on anyone.

But I will continue to say what’s on my mind. And when I’m wrong, I’ll admit it.

I’m sorry.

“Mommy, need milk. Need milk, Mommy!”

“You need some milk?”

“Okay!”