Lost
I was talking to S the other day, and the subject of Katrina came up. I was trying to explain how strange it was to return home, and not have anything that I knew remaining. I mean, I expected to take Alex there someday; I wanted to show her Great-Grandma’s house… I wanted to show her where Mommy and Aunt Amber used to play… but everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is gone.
So in the middle of this conversation, I had a small epiphany. I lost my childhood memories, followed quickly by the destruction of my marriage… everything I knew, both then and now, is gone.
Have you ever lost your identity?
Suddenly, the struggle I’ve been trying to identify became clear to me. The feeling of constant uneasiness, restlessness, and hopelessness has a face. I’m looking for a new life, a new identity. It’s been a bumpy road. People that I thought cared about me only cared about me when I was within their tax bracket; others only cared about what I could do FOR them. Others only wanted my company to ease their own misery by heightening mine.
People can be so cruel.
But the path has also lead me to new friends, people who accept me as I am. People who don’t care how much money I make, or what kind of car I drive. I didn’t realize how EMPTY my existence has been. Shallow, superficial, empty people trying desperately to fill the void in their lives…. and I fell into that trap & I hated who I had become. I was in the shadow of a man… that’s never been who I am.
This time, I will define myself. I will not be defined by the person I date, the home I live in, or the stereotypes that are handed to me. I will not compromise who I am for the sake of acceptance.
There is already so much love in my life… I feel like my feet are finally on a new path.
September 26th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
I’ve always loved you for you! I think you, me and M.L. broke that barrier at SSP!?!?
September 27th, 2007 at 6:22 am
When there is a drastic change in your life, you are bound to feel a little lost. For me, my first came when my EX came to me just before my birthday and told me that he was leaving. I had never suspected a thing. Oh I hated birthdays for a while, but a friend convinced me not to let my EX take away my birthday too.
The second came when my father died. In the hospital he tried to console me about my divorce by telling me “No man can define you and you can not him. You can only compliment each other. You will find someone better to compliment you.” I smiled at his compassion and thought that he had no idea what it was like to be abandoned. He and mom had been together my whole life and I didn’t think he could possibly know how I felt. He died 2 days later and suddenly I didn’t have a dad to lean on anymore. I felt alone in the world, but at least there was mom.
A couple months later I was at mom’s and found out she was selling the house I grew up in. I couldn’t believe it. Oh so many memories were disappearing. She sat me down and confided in me that when I was 3, she had an affair while dad was gone in the Navy and had left dad for the other man. A couple months later the other man told her it wasn’t fun anymore because she wasn’t someone else’s wife anymore. Plus he didn’t want another man’s brat.
She told me the affair was the biggest mistake of her life, but didn’t tell me how dad and she got back together. Dad had never mentioned her leaving. So I was wrong about dad not understanding. I had seen my whole life crumble around me and everything that I thought I knew about my world turned upside down. It took some time to realize that my memories were still with me and I can choose what to keep or not. I’ve chose to keep the good and value those who value me. You are valuable, so value those who value you and keep your best memories in your heart.
September 27th, 2007 at 7:27 am
I wouldn’t say you lost your childhood memories. You’ll always have those. Just places and people from back then are gone. You are right that you are wanting a new life. Well, actually you have one. However I think what you’re saying (I could be wrong of course) is that you want a fresh start (with your daughter) without the pain from the past, a clean slate. Unfortunately you need that pain, it’s what has molded you to who you are now and helped you come to the realizations you have now. You can’t change anything from the past no matter how bad you (and everyone else) would like to. It’s the burden you bear that makes you what you are now.
As for as “tax bracket” friends who needs people like that in their lives? Imagine what they must think when they look in the mirror at home and nobody is around watching them. They have to realize they are shallow on the inside and suffer for it even though they hide it well.
September 28th, 2007 at 8:49 am
I can certainly relate to “Have you ever lost your identity?” In terms of my past, I have none. I grew up overseas; all of the schools I attended are closed and I’ve lost touch with all my old classmates. Actually, our whole crew from 6th grade through 12th represents a lost generation of what came to be known as the Third Culture, U.S. American kids born and raised overseas. At the age of 54 it doesn’t bother me much. The only constant is change, we dance on this earth for a short while and are rendered naught much more than a fleeting memory. Enjoy what you can and try not to focus too much on a very real truth; the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is a pine box.
September 29th, 2007 at 1:35 am
Lost your Identity?
Yup.
Found out at age 36 that I was adopted. My father had not dies in the war as I’d been told, but had left us and started a family about half a mile away.
Everything about my identity was a lie.
But the house I grew up in is still there.