Suburban Goddess

I’ve been fighting an internal struggle for some time with the concept of faith. But here lately, it seems to be magnified…

I’ve never hidden my disdain for large, organized religion. I think the reason for that is because in those big, bright, shiny churches, I have been betrayed and belittled by people in the name of God. Those who use his name to pass judgment on others, or use the church to advance their own selfish agenda, those who go against everything in the teachings that I grew up with… those are not Christians. And those few have left a bad taste in my mouth for anything “Christian.”

But I do not want my daughter to grow up without faith. I’ve seen first-hand what it can do to a child; I’ve seen the hopelessness, cynicism, and emptiness that a life without faith brings. There are great lessons to be learned in religion, lessons that I am only now starting to grasp…. lessons that I don’t want my child to live without.

Over the past few weeks, there have been signs everywhere… all things keep pointing back to a certain church here in the area. Sign after sign after sign… but the breaking point was tonight. I had dinner with a photographer friend whom I admire a great deal; until tonight, conversations have been relatively light and not too personal. The evening went as any other… we ate, talked about our jobs and our kids… he walked me back to my car, as he always does, opening the door, ever the Southern gentleman. Nothing out of the ordinary.

As I drove away, my phone rang. It was my friend that I had just left; he divulged some very personal history, then asked me about my faith. I faltered for a moment; is this where he was going to tell me I need to find God? But he didn’t; he just explained why he had chosen faith in his own life.

I’m not sure why he chose to tell me those things. I hope he didn’t think I would judge him; those with faith who actually live the principles have my complete and utmost respect. He is one of those people. But as I hung up the phone, I was suddenly overwhelmed in a way I’ve never been. I started crying so hard that I had to pull over; I don’t know where the sobs came from, but they just kept coming… a release of so much pain, sadness, and heartache…. years of internal solitude…. anger and rage at my ex…. and a profound understanding that the life I knew is totally, completely, and utterly GONE, and it’s up to me now to choose the path I want to follow.

I cried for almost fifteen minutes straight… then found the most calm peace I’ve had in months… this is what it’s like to hit bottom. This is true understanding. I have absolutely no control over anything, and there HAS to be something else out there. I’ve been living with these principles, walking a straight line, taking the high road… but I’ve continued to deny the very heart of all those principles. Faith.

All right, God. I get it.

This entry was posted on November 16, 2007 at 8:09 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.