Suburban Goddess

“What are you doing, baby?”

“Playing Potato.” (Alex-speak for “Play-Doh”)

“Do you want to go see a movie with Mommy?”

“Yeah, Alex wants to see a MOOvie.”

“Do you want to watch “Enchanted” or “Alvin & The Chipmunks?”

“Alex & The Chickmonks!”

My friend D has complete relationships in three months. Whenever I hear from him, I can always tell what month he’s in; Month #1 is when he’s completely smitten. The girl is perfect, amazing, wonderful, “the one.”

This is the point I tell him to call me back in two months. Then I’ll get excited for him.

Month #2 is always: “the girl is perfect, BUT…” I have another friend who likes to refer to this phase as the “tarnish starting to show.” Either one is a pretty accurate description; it’s when people’s true colors start to come out. After all, you can only hide the REAL you for so long before it starts scratching it’s way out.

Month #3 is: “Oh my God, I have to get rid of this girl.” This one is usually my favorite where he’s concerned, because this is the phase that the best stories come from. When I was married, I actually felt sorry for him, because he seemed to be totally clueless as to what is important in a relationship.

Now I realize it’s pure genius. He gets to the heart of a person in three months, and if it’s not what he’s looking for, he cuts the ties and moves on. He doesn’t settle for less. He once referred to it as constantly “upgrading,” and at the time I thought that concept was brutal, but now I understand the importance of never settling for less.

I refuse to go into a relationship just for the sake of being in one.

“Who was that?”

“Nobody.”

“You sure were giggling a lot over nobody.”

“Shut up.”

I wish I had a translator. Because sometimes, I do not understand the things that they do. I honestly believe that they are just HARD-WIRED differently and women will never understand, because we just aren’t built the same way.

And to someone who is driven to understand the way things work, that can drive you crazy.

My parents are in for Christmas, and I’m discovering that my blog makes them a little paranoid, because every story they me tell now ends with:

“..and you BETTER NOT PUT THAT ON YOUR BLOG.”

(innocent face) What are you talking about?

2007 has brought about many revelations in my life; I’ve lived a selfish life. I’ve lived a life for me, and rarely looked outside the box to see what my behavior does to others. I’ve taken every gift I’ve been blessed with and used it for my own gain, rarely sharing it just for the sake of making someone else happy… there may be those who disagree, but you probably didn’t understand my motives at the time.

I lost myself in years past, letting others decide where to take my life. Sometimes I went willingly; too lazy to decide for myself, I was content to allow others to drive the bus. Sometimes I went unwillingly, harboring resentment against those unknowing individuals who made decisions for me simply because they were accustomed to doing so.

I hung out with selfish people, whose belief system validated my own. If they didn’t worry about it, then I shouldn’t either, right? Not that these people were bad; they’re not. They’re just as lost as I was.

But I think I’ve found my path. I think I’m finally on the right track.

I’ve wanted for years to donate my time to charity, and I occasionally worked events for the Humane Society, or the March of Dimes, but it just didn’t feel MEANINGFUL enough. I know that every little bit helps, but I wanted to truly make a DIFFERENCE in someone’s life… and that’s when my photographer friend Mandy told me about a charity that she had registered with that sounded like it had the meaning I was searching for.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is an organization that provides photography to parents at the most trying time in their lives… during the possibility that their infant may not leave the hospital. When Mandy told me about it, I immediately thought of what I would have done if they had told me Alex wouldn’t make it… and I immediately started to cry. My first reaction is that there is no way in hell I’d be strong enough to do this; but as I thought about it more, I realized… someone has to. And if everyone turned their back in hopes that someone else will take care of it (as I’ve always done), then the amazing things in life, the important things, would never get done. So I submitted my portfolio, and was recently excepted as a photographer.

As I move forward in life, I want to make a difference… not in a way that makes a good “story.” I don’t care if people never know my name, or recognize my face; I just want to know that somehow, somewhere, something I’ve done makes someone’s life a little easier…. and maybe even inspires them to change someone else’s life for the better as well. Because in 2007, so many people reached out to me, and changed my life.

To all my friends, my family, and my readers here whose comments have carried me through the most difficult year of my life… thank you so much. I hope you have a very Merry Christmas, because I can’t think of any people who deserve it more.

I don’t believe in love at first sight… love is so much more than a lightning spark.

Love comes from experiences with a person; love comes from a life lived and shared with someone. Sometimes love is ugly… sometimes love is taken for granted. Sometimes love requires you to hold the hair back for someone who’s sick; and if you’ve ever held back someone’s hair when they’re sick, then you know what I’m talking about.

Love is work, love is hard, love requires compromise. Love needs constant attention; if you turn your back on it, it will die a slow, painful death. Love is an ongoing investment; love is a commitment, even when you wonder why the hell you committed to it.

And yet, in the end, love is worth all the trials, all the pain, all the compromise, all the hurt…. and if you want it, you have to be willing to give a little… and sometimes a lot. You have to be willing to trust, even when you’ve been betrayed. You have to conquer your inner most fears and give yourself completely, even when you’re terrified to try again. You have to face that cliff, look over the edge, and take a leap of faith…

and if you’re really lucky, you don’t end up a grease spot on the bottom of the canyon.

I have absolutely no clue how to read people. I used to think that I did; two failed marriages later, I realize that I never truly know someone. But occasionally, I find myself in situations where I have grossly underestimated someone. Sometimes it’s the depth of their deviousness, sometimes it’s the depth of their depravity. Sometimes I just think they’re one way when they’re actually nothing like that at all.

I struggled with this during my second divorce; in one particularly great therapy session, I asked my therapist, “How can I be so stupid? Why did I not SEE this?”

Her answer made perfect sense to me.

“You weren’t the only one who was fooled.”

So true. So when I get hit out of left field now, I ask those around me if they saw it… thankfully, they don’t see it coming either, which means I’m not stupid after all. I just have a gift for finding people who are great at the con.

“I send you to school, and all you do is eat the covers off the books…”

Life has kicked in at a frightening pace this week; with the inevitable onslaught of Christmas coming in less than a week, more freelance work than I can handle, deadlines bearing down, and the bridal show in less than three weeks, I’m pulled in more directions than salt water taffy.  I don’t have Alex this week, and I hate to say it, but I’ve barely had time to slow down & notice…. sometimes things just seem to work out for the best that way.

Hopefully I’ll find time to slow down and write more soon.  So many noteworthy things happening at once; I don’t want to forget any of them.