Suburban Goddess

Near the end of my marriage, Chip used to comment that the only way he knew how I was feeling was to come to my blog. I didn’t know how to communicate with him my unhappiness, my resentment… but I could tell the rest of the world.

It was one of his greatest pet peeves. I admit; at times, I did it just to piss him off. It was the only way I could seem to get through to him. Now I know how detrimental my words were… and how much it must have hurt him.

I’ve watched many of my blogging counterparts fold up shop and shut down because family members or friends were hurt by their words. Each time, it hurt to see them go, but I understand. Some days it’s a struggle to open yourself up out here. But I don’t do it for any of you; I do it for myself, and I do it for my daughter. There have been times I’ve considered it myself, shutting down, opening up elsewhere anonymously again, free to write without conscience or consideration… days like today….

I’ve learned my lesson; watch what you say on your blog. Granted, most of the time I write about people who will not be offended by my words… I hold the heavier stuff back. There are certain people who have expressed their displeasure about being mentioned here; I respect their wishes and leave them out. Despite my parents’ comments, there is a lot I DON’T say here, because I love and respect them.

I don’t write about work anymore since this blog almost cost me my job.

As I’ve dated, I didn’t make mention of any specifics here. Not because I’m hiding anything; I’ve never had anything to hide, but most guys don’t want to know you’re not thinking about them exclusively. I understand that as well… I didn’t want to know they were seeing others, either. I wasn’t looking for anything serious… but I wasn’t looking for a quick fling, either. I was looking for a CONNECTION, something unspoken but undeniable, something so powerful that it would restore my faith in people. Something that could break through the numbness and make me FEEL again.

So here’s where it gets messy; I FOUND that connection… but I hesitated to write about it, because in the beginning, it is so fragile that you have to handle it carefully (it’s one thing to write about yourself; it’s another thing to write about somebody else) But my heart ached to tell the world about it. I once likened it to finding a diamond in the dirt; you just want to show the world this amazing thing you’ve found.

So for now, I will simply say I have found something special. I don’t know where it will go, and I’m in no hurry… each step thus far has been amazing. I’m thankful for the time I’ve had, and I hope that I can elaborate in the future…

This entry was posted on January 25, 2008 at 8:42 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.