Suburban Goddess

Alex has entered the phase where she says my name constantly for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I’ve seen other parents go through this stage; my best friend in particular. I used to feel sorry for her daughter when she would snap at her…

…now I understand.

“Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!”

“WHAT?”

“See booger?”

And so it goes, all day, an endless tirade of “MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY…” I’ve tried to maintain patience, but sometimes I just get exasperated with her, snapping a little too sharply. I’m rewarded immediately with the most heart-breaking pout that makes me feel like the worst mother in the world. I try to take a deep breath when I feel the frustration welling up, but sometimes I just can’t catch myself in time. Tonight was one of those nights.

Alex was taking her nightly bath when the volley of “MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY’s” came. First it was, “Look, Mommy, I made a bubble!” The next emergency was, “Look what I can do!” as she spit water like a fountain. By the fourth cry for attention, I snapped.

“MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY!”

“ALEX! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!”

Her tiny lip quivered then protruded with the appropriate dramatic flair. Before I could say anything, she sighed heavily…

“Mommy, you driving me crazy….”

Last Wednesday I had a conference to go to… and since then, I’ve lost all track of time. Part of me chalks it up to having to get up at 5am, which totally threw off the internal clock. My kid schedule was all jacked up, too, because of the trip, leaving me looking at my calender this morning wondering what the hell happened.

Despite the fast-forward sensation, I felt like this weekend was abnormally long…. yet looking back on it I realize there were very few moments when I wasn’t doing anything. I was constantly engaged in some activity… perhaps because I actually ENJOYED them, it made a difference.

Either way, it’s becoming frightening how quickly time is passing in my life…

Last night, anticipating warmer weather, I loaded up my daughter and went to the sports store to start investing in summer gear. I say “investing” because I had NO IDEA that boat stuff was so freaking expensive. But there are certain necessities that one cannot live without on the water, such as life vests. (Not that I plan on falling off my Waverunner, but I did have someone boast once that he’d never fallen off his jetski; within two hours with me, he did.) So I’m just saying, I need to be prepared, and of course my daughter’s safety is my number one priority.

Even though Alex has never been on a jetski, she’s quite excited about her first experience (”Let’s go on the BOAT, Mommy!”). To keep the momentum going, I told her she was going to get to pick out her very own life jacket. As we rounded the corner in the marine aisle, we came face to face with what Alex considered the Holy Grail of Personal Flotation Devices.

Dora.

I wanted to make sure it fit, so I buckled her in as she rattled on, “Look, Mommy, Dora! Look, Mommy, Dora! Dora! Dora, Mommy!” Yes, I got it. There is a tiny Latina on the life jacket. That much was perfectly clear. I reached for the buckles to release my precious Latina-addicted princess, but she pushed my hands away, recoiling as if I’d asked her for her kidney… “NO, MOMMY. MINE!”

It was so comical I almost snorted. Rather than make a scene, I let her wear it as we continued shopping, having flashbacks of Marty McFly when he lands in the 50’s. Now that she was all set, I picked out my own (”PINK MOMMY! GET THE PINK ONE! PINK! PINK! PINK!”).

I’ve had more than a few people mention that I needed a wetsuit so I could take it out before summer, but I was always under the assumption that wetsuits were really expensive. As I passed by, I was surprised to see that they weren’t… so into the buggy it went. Impulse shopping at it’s best.

A few other necessary items: rope to tie it to the dock, tie downs for the trailer, and a jack for the front of the trailer (to prevent it from dismembering my toes as I try to roll it into my garage at the end of the day). Before I knew it, I had $250 worth of stuff in my buggy. I took a deep breath as I handed over my debit card…. you only live once, right? I was so distracted I didn’t even realize as I left, my wallet was sitting on the checkout counter…. (luckily it was returned today).

I left most of the stuff in the back of the Jeep, too tired from the ordeal to bother with it, but I have to say, the wetsuit intrigued me… I’ve never worn one, so I decided to bring it in and try it on. I really didn’t need it, but I kinda wanted it, thinking it might be more flattering than a bathing suit (moment of pure vanity, I admit. I’m not twenty-one anymore). I’m not fat, but I’m not delusional, either. As far as girls go, I’m a big one, so I bought a large thinking it would probably be a little loose.
Wrong.

As I tried to pull the bottom up over my rear, I was haunted by the vision of a sausage being squeezed into it’s casing. For the first time in a long time, I was very thankful I was single, because if I’d had a “significant other” there to witness this debacle, I’m sure it would be party entertainment for YEARS. With a final tug, the suit popped over my butt with a THWAP, leaving me feeling that I was being slowly squeezed to death. After a moment of trying to figure out how the heck you’re supposed to get it zipped (something to do with a big string tied to the zipper, I believe), I was standing in my brand new wetsuit, looking in the mirror and suddenly understanding why my daughter thinks I have a BIG BOOTY.

I do.

Somewhat depressed, I called my best friend.

“I got a large…. is it supposed to feel like it’s squeezing me to death?” She laughed loudly.

“Yes, it loosens up…”

Good Lord, I hope so, because my toes were starting to turn purple. And if getting it ON was funny, you should have seen me trying to get OUT of that thing…

Don’t even think about asking me to post a picture.  It’s all humiliating enough.

My parents bought Alex one of those outdoor playhouses for her birthday. It’s a cute little plastic job, with a skylight and a front porch. Alex has spent almost every evening in the backyard, cooking me “dinner” in her little kitchen. I sat in the lawn chair on my deck, watching her with amusement.

“Mommy, this is Alex’s house,” she said, pointing to her playhouse.

“Yes, ma’am, that’s your house.”

“And this is Mommy’s house,” she said gesturing towards the big house. I nodded again in agreement.

“You have to stay in Mommy’s house because you can’t fit in Alex’s house…

You BOOTY too BIG!”

I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her…..

“Hold on, Mommy, I be right back…”

“What’s the matter, baby?”

“I have to get my phone!”

“Hey, the folder disappeared!”

“What did you do?”

“I don’t know… I was trying to look on the server and it went away in a little puff of smoke and a WHOOSH sound….”

“Oh NO. That means it’s gone FOREVER.”

“Oh no! Are you SERIOUS? What are we going to do now?”

“Well, we’ll either have to call in a data recovery specialist….”

“OH NO! REALLY?”

“….or we can just create another shortcut and put it back here.”

“How did you DO THAT?”

“I’m magic. Stick around… in a few minutes I’m going to put my head in a bucket of water for an hour…”

“What?”

“Forget it.”

Sometimes I feel like my internal compass is screwier than Jack Sparrow’s… if only life pointed you in the direction of what you want most.

Life is never quite that helpful.

I’ve discovered that at times, it will give you a friendly nudge in the right direction… like a puppy with a cold, wet nose. You shake it off, write off the signs as something else, and keep moving. But rarely do you find yourself down a path that you didn’t make a decision to walk down.

I’ve taken a few wrong turns in life. But look where it’s taken me! There are millions of people out there who would kill to be as blessed as I am… who would love to have had the experiences I’ve had. And God willing, I’m still relatively young… there’s so much more time ahead of me. Who knows what’s in store for me tomorrow.

I just hope it’s not a boat ride and a killer sting ray.  Ugh.

“What’s the hold-up?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Complicated? What’s complicated about it? What else does he need?”

“I think maybe a sign from God.”

“Does a boot up his ass count as a sign from God?”

“Um… I don’t think so.”

“I don’t want to revel in someone else’s misery, but….”

“But what?”

“I find it somewhat amusing that someone would get so worked up about punctuation.”

“Yeah, well watch what happens if you mis-spell something. Did you ever see The Exorcist?”

I got a phone call this afternoon from Alex’s best friend’s mother…. her daughter and Alex have been inseparable since Alex came to that daycare, so I was really disappointed when her daughter didn’t show up at Alex’s party.

Come to find out, my daycare didn’t hand out the invitations until TODAY. The party was FRIDAY.

Despite the fact that I’m flaming pissed off at the daycare, I’m completely relieved to find out that people DO like my daughter.