Suburban Goddess

“Good thing you didn’t sign it in blood after all…. you would have bled out by now.”

My mother (who will be mad at me for posting this, but it’s too funny not to) is somewhat challenged by today’s technology. I recently started renting my DVDs from Redbox, which has vending machines all over Houston, but more particularly, at McDonald’s. My mom was fascinated by this concept, and wanted to watch me rent one. So we stopped at McD’s to get a few for the evening.

As I flipped through the touch screen, Mom marveled at the sophistication of it.

“Do they have these at just McDonald’s?”

“I don’t know, Mom. I guess you could Google it to find out.”

The woman behind us was amused by our conversation, and chimed in, “No, the have them at HEB, too.”

“She’s from New Orleans,” I said, gesturing to my mom. They don’t have HEB’s in New Orleans. That’s like asking someone from Houston where Schweggman’s is. The woman nodded in understanding, and we returned to the truck where my father and Alex were waiting.

“Isn’t that cool?” My mom asked my dad. “The lady behind us said you could get them at the ATM, too!”

Tonight was Alex’s third birthday party. I planned it at Chuck E. Cheese, and invited all of her classmates to attend. Chip & I had discussed at one point that we didn’t want Alex to be one of those kids who had two of everything; two Christmases, two holidays, two birthdays… so we agreed to work together for one evening.

The first disappointment as the week wore on was the fact that I didn’t get a single RSVP. Not one. I mentioned in passing to my staff that I was worried that no one would come to my daughter’s party; they all took it upon themselves to come to my rescue. I have never been so touched by something in my life… the outpouring of support from these people really carried me through the other hard part of the evening:

Seeing Chip’s happy new family.

I know that Alex cares for his girlfriend’s daughters, and despite the hurt I knew it would bring, I took the high road. I knew it really wouldn’t matter anyway; Chip will do what Chip wants to do. As 6pm rolled around and the table lay empty, I looked at my beautiful little girl and felt like a complete failure. I could have invited the people from the neighborhood, but the entire time I’ve been gone, I’ve had only two phone calls from my old “friends” that didn’t involve me volunteering my design/photography skills for free.

If you only call me when you want something, is that really a friend? Did I want people there just for the sake of people being there, or did I want people there who truly cared about my daughter?

As my staff started to show up, and my parents there to support me, I was ready for the next step. P found us first; it still hurts to see him only once every six months, but there is nothing I can do about that. I saw them next; the shock isn’t the same as it used to be, only a dull ache and slight nausea. How do you pretend to be civil to someone who hurt you so much? Everytime I look at him now, I see a stranger, a man I never knew, a person there’s no way I could ever be attracted to… I can’t help but wonder what he thinks when he sees me. His actions are complete indifference; short, clipped, cold. He treats me as if I’m the one who left… and he follows the woman around like a lost dog… part of me was sad, part of me was amused, all of me is disappointed for our daughter, who deserves so much better than this.

As I watched those two, I was painfully aware of my own love life, and the empty seat next to me. There was someone I wanted there very much… but part of me was glad that he wasn’t, because it was all hard enough already, and I needed to focus all my attention on what was most important; my daughter. Had he been there, it would have been something else, a display, a retort, a comeback… and again, I don’t want someone there just for the sake of filling a seat.

I want it to mean something.

Somehow, I made it through the night… thanks to the help of a few good friends, an amazing family, and many prayers to God for strength, grace, and stamina in a time of need. It’s like He wants me to know I am strong, even when I doubt.

In the end, Alexandra probably won’t even remember this party, or the lack of children there. But it taught me many valuable lessons.

“Mommy, you go to work?”

“Yes baby.”

“And Alex go to SKOOL.”

“That’s right.”

“You be good at work, Mommy. You be a good girl, okay? Then you get candy when you get home.”

The one single thing I must have is faithfulness. All the issues I have with life come back to one simple concept; respect. And if you’re unfaithful, then that’s the deepest form of disrespect I can think of.

Someone gives you their undying trust, their heart, their HEALTH… and you would squander that by stepping out on them… possibly endanger their life…. it’s the deepest and most painful type of betrayal, and in my book, the worst form of disrespect you could ever show someone.

I would be lying if I said I’ve never cheated. I have. I have hurt people in my life because I was too much of a coward to just end the relationship. But I vowed after it happened to me that I would not do it again… it is absolutely true; what goes around comes around.

Well, it did. And I deserved it. And it was a lesson learned… and a realization of what is truly important to me now.

“So, how’s it going?”

“I don’t know.”

“Still nothing?”

“I don’t know.”

“It doesn’t sound like a relationship; it sounds like an affair.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

Today is my baby girl’s 3rd birthday.

I can’t believe how fast it’s gone.

While in the grocery store the other day, I was trying to maneuver my basket down the aisle (is it just me, or are the aisles getting smaller?). Anyway, I came to the middle of the aisle where a woman stood next to her buggy, blocking my passage. I waited patiently for a moment (I’m kind of hard to miss, a six-foot tall redhead with a big BUGGY), but the woman ignored me. I tried to clear my throat, a polite “hey-I-need-to-get-through” phlem ball, but she continued to ignore me. So in my sweetest little high-pitched sing-song voice I stated nicely, “‘Scuse me, pleeze…”

Again, nothing.

For a moment, something inside snapped and I had a vicious urge to run over the woman, a mere speed bump in my life’s path…. but then sensibility set in. Of course I couldn’t run over her! Instead of causing a fuss, I calmly turned my buggy around, retreating back to the path I came from. Proud of my maturity, I congratulated myself on my ability to control my redneck temper….

…until I ran into her two aisles later, blocking the pathway again.

Now I completely understand Katy Bates’ character in Fried Green Tomatoes when she hit the VW twelve times with her car. But they don’t offer grocery buggy insurance, so I had to restrain myself.

And then I went home and took a Midol before I killed anyone. Yea, me.

“I read your blog about the negative post…. and I just wanted you to know, I’ve never thought you were that kind of person.”

“Thank you!”

Is it possible that some people were put in your life only to experience love, but not the kind that lasts forever? Or is it that you just keep meeting at the wrong time in each other’s lives?

My friend J got me thinking about the cruel jokes that fate likes to play. I suppose that’s only if you believe in fate, and not in some divine destiny laid out before us by God. But God also gave us free will… so what if you chose the wrong path somewhere earlier in your life? What if you went the wrong way?

Does God give you a second chance with that person, or does He try again with a new one? And does he make it easy to recognize, or does he make you work for it since you screwed up the first time?

Or do you just refuse to see the truth, because you want the happy ending so badly, and before you know it, you’ve wasted six months of your life only to find yourself starting over again?

I wish I had some answers.