Suburban Goddess

Today I had a moment that left me speechless.

A total stranger’s act of kindness, so random, yet so huge, left me in a state of shock.  This kind of thing doesn’t happen in real life… this kind of thing doesn’t happen in today’s society.

But it does.  And it did.

To me.

So I make this public promise, Mr. Total Stranger.  I will pay it forward. I will pass on this kindness, I will pass on this hope, and I will pass on your legacy.

Thank you so much.  You are an Angel.

Last night I had a bridal shoot after work, so I didn’t really get a chance to relax between work and, well, more work.  The shoot was a sunset shoot, which always makes me nervous because there’s such a fine line between great light and no light.  But the shoot went well, and I was really excited about it.  On the way home, my mind was racing at the possibilities of what could be done with these pictures.  Somewhere between that, driving, and thinking about another million things, I realized I was hungry, so I pulled into Wendy’s to grab a quick bite.

I rolled up to the window and handed the cashier my credit card, which he took slowly with a very puzzled look on his face.  For a moment, I looked back at him with a “”what’s the matter with you” gaze, when I realized why he was looking at ME that way.

“I forgot to order, didn’t I?”

“Um…… yes ma’am.”

“What does “TOW” mean?”

“The Other Woman.”

“OH.”

“Why, what did you think I meant?”

“Nothing.”

“What?”

“Well, I thought you meant like, TOW UP, or were referencing a CAMEL TOE.”

I started laughing.

“You’re going to put that on your blog aren’t you?”

“Yes, but I’m laughing because I’m thinking how funny it’s going to be to explain what a “CAMEL TOE” is to my mother…..”

Well, the first official day at the Chronicle was interesting.  The first funny conversation came from one of my co-workers, who crept over into my cubicle quietly:

“Do you know your picture is on the home page of the Chonicle?”

“Is it?”

“Yeah.  I’m all like, I KNOW HER!”

It made me laugh… until I started thinking about it.  I’m in the third largest city in the nation, and the Chronicle is a HEAVILY trafficked website…. and my picture was on it. And my name next to it. Suddenly, every stalker I’ve ever had (and I’ve had some doozies) popped into mind.

The uneasy feeling continued throughout the day as my posts were BLASTED by various vicious comments. For a moment, I wondered if I’d done the right thing by agreeing to this.  My goal is not to become famous; my goal is let other women out there that they can make it through this…. and that it’s OKAY to have feelings of anger, disappointment, and sadness.  I’m not putting myself out there as a shining example of motherhood; I just want to share my mistakes in hopes that another woman will not follow.

Throughout the day, I began to receive phone calls, IMs, and emails from friends and family who were watching the site.  Many of the comments on the site had a common theme; GET OVER IT.  My friend D shot me an IM.

D: I think it’s funny that they think you’re not over your divorce.

Me: I know; but they don’t know the history here.  They’re just judging me from a few posts about divorce.

D: (I can’t remember what he wrote here, but knowing him, he saved the IM conversation & will send it to me after he reads this post)

Me: Well, it is a column about DIVORCE.  I don’t know why I’d be writing about my DIVORCE.

The other interesting thing I discovered, which inspired the thoughts about the generation gap, is that the Boomers are fairly intolerant of personal blogging. I was accused of narcissism, playing the victim, and (my personal favorite) the crazy lady who’s been YouTubing her divorce.

Damn.  Am I that bad?  Please, tell me I am not THAT bad.  Seriously… (as I’m putting away the video camera).

But on the flip side, there were many positive posts as well; women who have been where I am.  Women who have dealt with what I’ve dealt with.  Women who UNDERSTAND.  All this sisterhood made me want to give my jeans away and drive off a cliff in a convertible.  It was AWESOME, because I’ve always had a hard time relating to other women. But here was a cross section of all kinds of women, all ages, who I was actually connecting with.

All in all, I think I made the right decision.  I’ve always been a sensitive person; this will help me get tougher & realize that some people’s opinions just don’t matter.

My life is a study of generation gaps… I am stuck firmly between the Boomers and the Millinials.  Generation X is evolving into something pretty interesting; the translators.

Boomers don’t understand the concept of a blog; they were raised to internalize their emotions.  You don’t “air your dirty laundry.”  Millinials broadcast their entire lives through technology; their savviness can shake a Boomer to their core… as far as technology goes, Millinials are coming out of school far more tech savvy than their Boomer bosses.  And let’s face it; that’s intimidating. Because they are technologically more advanced, they feel they are worth more.

Managing Millinials is a challenge; they’re sensitive.  They have an inflated sense of self-worth.  They’re not like Boomers, who had to put their time in to get where they are; they want instant gratification, and when they don’t get it, they are quick to drop their loyalty.  But there is one thing that Millinials underestimate when it comes to Boomers:

Networking.

Both generations have so much to teach one another; the face of business is changing.  Boomers need to realize that the old corporate ways are dying; technology is the future.  But on the flip side, Millinials need to respect the foundation that business was built on; hard work.

Who knew that my slacker Generation would be the one to emerge where it has?  We are the transition Generation… we balance the old and the new.  We bridge the gap.  But where we have been deemed an “accelerated culture,” the Millinials are living in the fast lane.

I’m so interested to see what my daughter’s generation will evolve into.  This is such an interesting time to be around…

I think my empathy is dying. Yes, I hear it in the corner, wheezing, coughing, heading down the slow downward spiral known as indifference.

Please excuse me while I go find a shoebox and a shovel. I think I’ll bury it in my backyard. Right next to Hope, Romance & Chivalry.

My blog has caused quite a little stir in it’s day. At one point, it almost cost me my job. Many times, I unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings (and I STILL feel bad about that.) Now, it was brought to my attention that things I say on it could be used against me in a custody battle.

That made me sit up and go, “WHAT?”

All I’ve ever wanted with this blog, or ANY blog that I write, is a place to express my true feelings. I have spent a great deal of my life with a fear of being ALONE…. in various situations I’ve tried to take the world head-on, and I’ve been knocked down, dragged around, and beat beyond emotional recognition. I’m 32 years old, twice-divorced. I’ve had the fanciest of cars, and I’ve LIVED in my car. I’ve lived what feels like four separate lifetimes in the short time I’ve been on this earth. I’ve learned a LOT. But the most important thing I’ve learned, is that you can’t do this alone. You just can’t. And having someone share their stories with me makes me realize, “Hey, these feelings AREN’T crazy. She felt that way, too!”

If this blog makes one single mother feel better about herself, then it’s done it’s job. If it makes one person laugh at my moments of stupidity, then I’m happy. I’m not here to talk about what a wonderful person I am; I’m NOT. I’m human, and I make mistakes, and I’m not perfect…. and sometimes, in my imperfections, I’m funny. I can laugh at myself; and I can also admit when I’ve made a mistake.

As far as the X is concerned, I’ve never “bad-mouthed” him here, or anywhere. I’ve tried to understand him, his behavior, and the situation he’s left me in. Occasionally I poke fun at him; sometimes I vent about my frustration with him…. but I’m not here to “bash my X.” I’m here to let other mothers know, you’re not alone. And in a roundabout way, I’m reaching out to the strong, amazing women who have lived through this before me, looking to them for advice in my moments of weakness.

How does one get through this without hurting their child?

My daughter LOVES her father, and I just don’t want her to ever experience the disappointment with him that I did. If pointing out irrational behavior (both HIS or MINE) helps us prevent that, then I don’t see how writing about it can be a bad thing.

It’s FINALLY up; I’m now a featured MommyBlog on the Houston Chronicle (which I find completely hysterical, like, I’m qualified to give parenting advice).  I’m so excited; another life dream realized. I write for a major newspaper now!

Okay, so it’s just a MommyBlog, and it’s not in the PRINTED version, but this is closer than I ever dreamed, so I’m crossing it off the life list.

Go see!

I’ve had the same theme for years; every time I try to change it, I get an inbox full of “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?”

Because I’m a DESIGNER, and that’s what designers do, dammit.

That being said, the old design has become somewhat like a favorite sweater, so I’m freshening up the design, opening it up a little and making it easier for my mom to read without her glasses.  Please bear with me as I fight with code… hopefully I’ll have this crap straightened out shortly.

In the meantime, I’m mortified that one of my new favorite bloggers, The Bloggess stopped by while I had my page in such a mortifying state of disarray… it’s like being caught with my digital pants down.  If you need a laugh, head over to her site, which kept me laughing so hard last night that I snorted Coke. Twice.

“Oh my God…”

“What?”

“You have to either be the most musically diverse person I know, or you’re schizophrenic…”

“We don’t know what you’re talking about.”