Suburban Goddess

“God, I wish you could come down here and screen my men for me…weed out the applicants, so to speak.”

“That would be fun.”

“I figure if they could get through you, they’d be worthy. Or 19.”

“Or they would have some hot sister or something…”

“Yes, I know my well-being would be your FIRST priority…”

A comment was made to me that people never change. At first, I agreed with that, but as I thought more about it, I think they do.

Because I did.

It’s been a really rough week for me; dealing with the X really wears me out. I realize that I spend too much energy worrying about salvaging a relationship with him for my daughter’s sake. The problem with that is that I’m still trying to get him to see my point of view. But he couldn’t see it when we were married, and that’s when he cared, so why in the hell do I assume he’d try now?

After running into brick wall after brick wall, I realize that I’m just wasting my time. He says that he’s changed, and he’s right; he has. He’s a better father than he’s ever been, and that makes me really happy for my girl. After that, the rest of the stuff really doesn’t matter. He’ll never be the father I want him to be for Alex, but as long as she’s smiling and happy, does that really matter? He’ll never be the man that my father was… but maybe he’ll make up for his faults in other ways.

Honestly, I’m a completely different person than I was, but I’ve always been a person who wants to talk about my feelings and hash them out until there is a clear understanding. He has never been like that, uncomfortable with anything that comes close to his heart.

I know this situation came about because of a great emptiness in his life. I suffered from that same emptiness, that inescapable void. Losing my family opened my eyes… and I believe that his eyes have been opened as well. But his future actions will tell if he’s found what he’s looking for. I’m in the strange situation of actually having to root for the opposing team…. because if he wins in life, then my daughter has the stability that I want so much for her.

If he loses, then she loses another family.

“She’s living with him.”

“Really? Are you surprised?”

“No, I knew it was coming, it just would have been nice to hear firsthand.”

“He didn’t tell you???”

“No. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Apparently moving an entire family into a house with you isn’t a big deal.”

“Dude, I wish my mother thought that way…. she gets mad if my boyfriend just sleeps over…”

“When does life get easier?”

“When you’re dead.”

I spent most of yesterday caught between two emotionally-charges episodes; my past and my future.

Family issues with the X kept me busy the latter half of the day. Again, we have disagreed (go figure), but I am trying my best to keep moving forward. It’s frustrating to be perceived as such a witch when I try to be accommodating. I don’t know which of you readers go back and tell him what I write, but please, in the future, when you’re paraphrasing…. GET IT RIGHT. My feelings here are just that; MY feelings. He has accused me of slanting the truth or leaving out information, and he is right in both aspects; I cannot write about things I do not know, and this entire blog is my OPINION. I’ve never tried to pass it off as fact. It’s just how I feel at a specific moment in time.

In the events that unfolded two years ago, I had a great deal of anger. And I was entitled to that anger. He has not, and probably never will, admit to an affair. I honestly believe in my heart that there was one. Honestly, what does it matter? What’s done is done. All that matters is this present moment and the future.

As far as TOW goes… well, I’m pretty sure she’s going to be around for quite some time. There are aspects about her that I don’t like, and I think it’s pretty fair to say that. I’m sure there are quite a few things about me that she doesn’t like as well; that doesn’t make us arch-enemies. I hate that some people mis-read this blog and try to foster drama. This woman is close to my daughter, so if you’re trying to contribute to the drama, please think of her face before you start running your mouth. There is one thing TOW and I have in common; we are both mothers who love our children, and if there’s ever a great common ground to start from, at least we have that.

Honestly, I didn’t realize she had a Coach purse. I wasn’t even talking about her.

It bothers me that I have no where to vent where things aren’t taken out of context. It bothers me that I don’t know the intentions of the people (or even who they are) who are taking things out of context. It bothers me that I can’t seem to get this thing together. People keep telling me “get over it.”

I did. I have.

But I am irrevocably attached to this man for the rest of my life, whether I like it or not, and I don’t want it to be a constant struggle where he is concerned. So when I write about my frustrations with him or he things he does, it’s not with malice. It’s a cry for understanding, a invitation for solutions.

Not X-bashing.

I’ve gone out of my way to keep the frustration aimed towards the behavior, not the person. Because in my heart, I know he is not a bad person, and I know he loves his children. I know he wants the best for them, and I honestly believe he’s trying to learn from his mistakes. (I also know he absolutely HATES when I write about him, but that’s just one of those things he’s going to have to learn to live with… lol) That doesn’t mean he’s not going to screw up and I’ll occasionally get mad at him. I’m sure he’s wanted to strangle me a few times himself. So to him I say, get your own blog.

But that was only half the drama yesterday… I said past and FUTURE. The future half has me sitting on pins and needles, frightened for the things I can’t see. Part of the healing from the past has been changing my past behaviors… and sometimes that’s downright scary. Leaving myself vulnerable to another human being is a step that I do not feel comfortable taking, but yet I continue to do so. There are those who don’t understand it, who question my decisions, & who worry about my well-being. But I cannot describe the feeling that continues to keep me on this path; something about it just feels completely right, like there’s a purpose for this situation. I’ve had gut reactions before, and I’ve ignored them… but this is unlike any other path I’ve walked.

And that scares the crap out of me, too.

I keep coming back to the same question, and I honestly believe that at some point, it all WILL get easier. I just really hope it’s soon.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve felt the rage swelling up towards my X again.  I think the whole Thursday thing is what set me off; I started thinking about all the things I didn’t have anymore, and forgot to concentrate on all the wonderful things that have replaced those material things.  I let the bitterness well up again, and started to feel the familiar anxiety that left me crippled much of last year.

As usual, a comment made at church brought me back to my senses.  Today, the pastor made a comment about how we always want to see judgement upon those who have wronged us, yet when we wrong others, we want mercy for ourselves.

That struck me deeper than I could ever explain.  Because it was unbearably close to home.

I’ve judged Chip’s actions for quite some time, hoping that something horrible would befall him to make him repent for what he did to me… but even when his luck was bad, it didn’t make me feel better.  I WANT to forgive him, because I don’t want the bitterness to eat me alive.  When I keep the focus on the things I have, and not the things that I don’t, it is perfectly clear to me why we are not together.  And strangely enough, I actually feel a sense of peace.  I KNOW it wasn’t meant to be.  I KNOW my purpose of being with Chip was actually setting my feet on a path of something greater, something meaningful, something that is so much bigger than myself or any material crap.

Falling prey to the bitterness is as useful as getting trapped in a mire of “what if’s.”  Wasted energy, detrimental anxiety, and completely toxic to my very soul.  Letting go is the hardest lesson learned in a divorce… I know some people who still haven’t been able to forgive.

I don’t want to be one of those people.

So I start again, with a renewed sense of purpose.  Let go of the things I cannot control. Do not concern myself with what does not concern me.  Forgive those who have trespassed against me…. and remember to appreciate all the incredible things that I do have that money could never buy.

I am lucky beyond words.  And I know that… so…. mercy for the one who wronged me, because I would ask for the same.

If you put on so much cologne that a couple of hours later, you are able to stand in an elevator and still make people gag, then you’re wearing too much of it.

YOU’RE WEARING TOO MUCH!!!

Consider this a public service announcement.

Sometimes, some words have the ability to stop your heart.