Suburban Goddess

I awoke to yet another nightmare about Chip. I don’t know what sets them off, but they don’t get any easier. It’s always the same premise; I’m angry, he won’t listen, and Darlene is always there.

Pretty much like, say, reality.

These dreams are so vivid, so REAL, that when I get frustrated beyond help in my dream, I wake up in a cold sweat. This one was no exception. I was eating out with my parents when I spotted them in the same restaurant. He was there with Darlene and his brother, and as usual, she was sitting ridiculously close to him.

I tried to ignore them, saying hello to the brother then walking back to my own table, but Chip followed and slid into the booth. At that point, he was almost friendly, but he was talking to my parents and not me. This made me even more irritated, so I asked in a somewhat snotty voice, “what the hell is wrong with Darlene? She’s hasn’t talked to me the past few times I’ve seen you guys.”

He looked at my parents, not even glancing in my direction, with a strained fake smile.

“You don’t want to talk about this right now,” he said, gesturing to my mom & dad.

“I don’t have anything to hide from them.”

“Okay. She doesn’t talk to you because you’re a BITCH.”

At that point I become very defensive, justifying my behavior, & we get into an argument. The thing that was different about this dream, though, was the argument seemed almost productive. Instead of trying to hit him out of pure frustration, he almost LISTENED. I was trying to get him to understand that I didn’t WANT to hate them, that I didn’t want to be angry, and all they had to do was attempt to be nice to me instead of pretending I didn’t exist.

And then I woke up.

And I realized, this is really the heart of my frustration with him.

Since I found out about Darlene, his demeanor with me changed. Until recently, he was just cold, aloof and non-chalant. Yes, I’m seeing someone else. I have every right to. We’re done. No, it doesn’t matter when it started, because it’s past and you need to move on. Now I refuse to talk about any of it ever again, because it’s over and there’s no reason to. Cold, calculated, logical engineer behavior.

It took me a long time to understand this behavior. It took me even longer to accept it. Eventually I realized, it was not going to change. The warm, funny and caring Chip that I knew was gone, at least to me.

But the day I called him for help about the insurance changed the game. I was frustrated, hot, tired, and above all, worried about my daughter. I simply could not tolerate his coldness that day. I shouldn’t have hung up on him, but I’m human, and sometimes emotion gets the better of me.

But that’s the day the MEANNESS set in. When he called and left a message, he cursed at me. He called me a name. I’d never witnessed this pure, raw hatred in him. Did I deserve it? Well, from his point of view, he had no idea what I was going through. He didn’t know Alex was as sick as she was. He didn’t know I had found out about my father’s cancer that day. He didn’t understand why I was freaking out that the insurance wasn’t working, because he truly “never had a problem with it.”

I was just calling out of the blue, being an angry bitch.

When he refused to answer the phone after the dust settled, it made me angry. The email I sent definitely had a tone to it, even though, at the time, I thought I was doing pretty well. Again, in his view, I’d already hung up on him that day, and now I was writing and leaving messages on his phone, being bitchy some more.

But the one he sent back was, again, just MEANNESS. More names, and the most hurtful statement he’s ever said to me. “I’m so glad you’re not my problem anymore.” The phone call that came after, again, a MEANNESS I had never witnessed from him.

It shocked and disappointed me. It hurt beyond words. Seven years, & all I ever was to him was a “problem?”

Wow.

Since that day and that conversation, every communication has been unbelieveably tense. Short. One word answers. Darlene has taken to completely ignoring me altogether, not even making eye contact when we’re in the same location. I don’t know what he told her, but from her point of view, I guess I just look like a crazy ex. Because from HIS point of view, I am. He doesn’t see the things I see where I’m standing. He has a completely different perspective on the entire situation, from the divorce, to Darlene, to parenting, to life….

Honestly, it all BOTHERS me. The meanness, the coldness. The way they band together when we’re in the same room, having a private conversation and private smiles, almost as if intentionally trying to make me feel left out.

But that’s the heart of it, isn’t it? I am left out.

When I woke, I started to write Darlene a letter, but then I erased it. She was receptive before, but I don’t know if she’d be again. I don’t know if words can make any difference anymore. Too many actions have been made, on BOTH sides, that say far more. I think the only thing that will make things better is time…. so I stay quiet, stay away. I give them the space that Chip wants. I stay out of their business, because it truly is none of mine. This isn’t what I wanted, but I’ve noticed over the past few years, what I want is not always what’s best for me anyway.

In the meantime, I really wish the nightmares would stop. But until I find a way to purge my heart of this rage, I know they won’t. I have to let it go, and I don’t know how.

This entry was posted on July 25, 2008 at 2:59 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.