Suburban Goddess

I really want to change gears professionally. I love my day job, but the lack of creativity is slowly sucking the will to design out of me. I don’t even feel like I have the right to complain; I mean, it’s a great company, with great flexibility and amazing benefits.

But I live in a cubicle chained to a desk.

It drives me crazy that in this technology-soaked world that people still need to *see* you working. There is absolutely no reason designers can’t do their job from home. All we need is a computer. Really, the whole communication thing is horribly over-rated; I’ve never worked for a corporation that did it right anyway. So why can’t I stay at home in my pajamas, squinting at an email vs. getting up at the crack of dawn, dragging my ass through the socially acceptable routine of making myself “presentable” and coming into an office to sit trapped in a box like a veal where they stuff me full of food and steal the best years of my life….

Um… yeah.

So anyway.

I’ve been trying to get my websites up and running the way they were intended, with the functions that I originally set them up for, so hopefully I will establish a large enough Internet presence that people will recognize my name and I’ll be able to live like Paris Hilton without the trashy wardrobe and mega-shopping sprees and stuff.

Actually, I’d be happy if I could just meet my financial needs comfortably without having to get dressed. That would be AWESOME.

So many people sent me so many websites/links/pics/etc. to inspire me, that it worked. Not only did I “freshen-up” this site, I was finally motivated enough to get the damn links working as well (um, well, MOST of them.  Hey, it’s a START!)

D:    You don’t exactly settle down with pretty boys, do you?

Me:  I like to think I’m not shallow.

D:    lol

I am *so* overdue for a trip home.  I’ve lost all inspiration lately; I don’t feel like writing, I don’t feel like designing, and I don’t feel like taking pictures.  I guess it’s because I’ve stretched myself so thin again; I feel like I’m always working.  And when you’re being creative around the clock, eventually, you just run out of inspiration.

I find that my trips home not only restore my sanity, but I always get a creative boost when I go there.  Say what you want about New Orleans; the place just reeks of creativity.  Every where you look there is art, architecture, culture, and music. I didn’t realize how lucky I was to grow up in a city with so much personality until I left it. Every time I go back, I’m inspired all over again.  The people are so colorful; their expressions, their language, their hospitality.  Within fifteen minutes of meeting someone new, I usually know their life story; within thirty minutes, you’re invited to dinner.

My own family is an endless source of entertainment as well.  As much as I pick on them, I would never trade them for anything.  I loved “growing up country.” The best thing about returning home are the stories; even though I’ve heard them all a million times, it still makes me smile when I hear them again.  There was a time when I would mumble under my breath, “I’ve HEARD this one before…”  But now, with the fragile state of so many family members, I find myself wanting to hear them all again, trying to commit them to memory as I realize someday, the storytellers will be gone and all I’ll have left is the memory of them.

This holiday season is different from the others.  Since my father’s diagnosis, everyone seems to be more aware of time and how precious it is. Family has always been important, but suddenly everyone seems to have put aside their petty differences, silly feuds, and pointless arguments. Our family has been rocked with tragedies in the past few years… and it’s times like these that you really start to appreciate the people who you call “family.”

Long overdue.  I can’t wait to get home.

I can’t stand being backed into a corner.

When someone throws an ultimatum out at me, it calls to the basest, most stubborn of my redneck instincts. You want to give me a choice? Then be prepared for the consequences; and I can guarantee, 90% of the time, my choice is not going to be the one you want, simply because my pride will not allow it.

The bad thing is, though, that no one wins when you back someone into a corner.  And if they are a true friend to begin with, they would never treat you that way.

I have trust issues.

Those who know me, know why.  And there’s really nothing I can do to change that; I’ve been burned so many times by people that I care deeply about.  It’s not that I don’t want to trust them; I do. In fact, I think I trust them a little too much, and they take advantage of that trust, doing things they should not do, until eventually I catch them and all my trust is shattered.

After years of this kind of disaster, I’m a little weary.  Actually, I’m VERY weary.  I want to be blissfully naive again; I want to think that the person I care about will never hurt me.  I want to be able to truly believe in someone’s word… I want to have trust that is unshakable.

I look at others in relationships, people that seem to have it all together.  But even they have trust issues at times.  With the popularity of social networking, everyone’s talking to an old girlfriend/boyfriend, an ex-flame, a  sexy co-worker…. and when you start to share interests with new people, that threatens the fragile balance of trust as well.

I’m sure my social networking is pretty intimidating to people I date; I belong to so many services that I had to subscribe to a new service that updates them all simultaneously. But I never went into networking with dating in mind; it just seemed to be a natural by-product. I’ve met people, I go out and share a common interest, and before I knew it, I fell in love.

And that scares me, because that’s how the phrase, “it just happened” becomes a frightening reality. I’ve been the victim of “it just happened,” when the person I was committed to “accidentally” fell in love with someone else they met online. It doesn’t hurt any less than any other kind of betrayal.

How do I keep “it just happened,” from happening to ME again?

Why do people allow themselves to be in that position to begin with? I mean, I think I know the answer to that one; we get lonely, the people in our lives are just used to us and don’t give us special attention anymore, we get bored, etc., etc., etc….. until a harmless conversation turns into something deeper, and then that blossoms into feelings you can no longer deny. But that doesn’t make it okay. There are things, subjects, topics that should be OFF-LIMITS if you’re in a relationship.  But the Internet makes us all brave, and just like the anonymous trolls that have endless courage hiding behind their keyboards, spewing hatred and bigotry, there are also the keyboard romantics who have no accountability for their actions.  I’m guilty myself; I can express my deepest fears and darkest desires behind a keyboard… and that makes people think they know me. Then they cross the line, because I’ve opened myself up for it. With the Internet, you don’t have boundaries…

… but if you’re in a relationship,  you should.

D:    Hows da bitches

Me:   You been hanging out in Brooklyn again?

D:    Actually, I did this weekend

Me:   NEWSFLASH:  YOU ARE A WHITE BOY

D:    Hey, don’t make me cut you