Suburban Goddess

“Mommy, can you help me put this in my Dolly’s hair?”

“Sure, baby.”

“It’s all jacked up.”

Since the bomb dropped, I’ve had a really hard time sleeping. I’m never hungry. I’m trying not to let the stress overwhelm me, trying to take things a day at a time.

It’s hard.

But a far worse side effect of this ordeal is a renewed state of raging distrust. I looked up to my boss, and considered him a friend. He was a father-figure in my life; I had a misguided sense that he would always do the right thing for *me.* Of course, that included disciplinary action when I deserved it (get your minds out of the gutter, punks!). But I always assumed it would be a fair and just punishment, with all my years of service and all the *many* things I did outside of my job description, including playing Mac expert to an entire department. I was paid a fair salary for my job description, but let’s face it… I was an IT expert, a manager, a full-time graphic artist (who still made quota EVERY WEEK), a software trainer, a project planner, and sometimes a babysitter. My department ran with minimal overtime, an industry-leading accuracy rate, and without all the drama every other art department seems to struggle with.

Didn’t any of this mean anything?

And let’s look at the personal side of it. I’m a single mom struggling to make ends meet; he had a daughter in my exact same situation. He often sympathized with my plight. I assumed if my performance was that poor, I would have gotten some type of warning, if not for anything, then just out of simple human decency.

That is what kills me the most out of this entire situation. It was the most cold, calculating, and heartless thing someone has ever done to me by someone I admired, respected, and trusted. The repercussions of his behavior have sent shock waves through my life, making me re-evaluate every relationship I am in. My romantic life is taking the worst of it; I can’t deem anyone trustworthy anymore, and the mistakes made by those I love are magnified to epic proportions. I live in fear and anxiety, wondering who is going to hurt me next. The walls have shot up around me; letting anyone in right now is impossible, despite the fact that I feel totally and completely alone.

The small circle of friends that I have has suddenly gotten even smaller… but I am thankful that there are still a few people I know I can trust. There are a few who have seen me through this kind of hell before. Without you, I don’t know how I’d get through life.

I love you guys. You know who you are.

I’ve been unemployed for two weeks now. In the grand scheme of things, it’s really not that long at all. But in Kristie-time, it feels like FOREVER, and the panic attacks are plentiful.

Christmas was a small distraction, but even that was marred by an onslaught of strep throat (which also sent my parents home early). I lay on the floor covered in three heavy blankets, shivering as my daughter opened her presents.

Suddenly, I also understand the importance of health insurance.

Thankfully, Alex is covered under Chip’s insurance, so if she falls ill, at least she’s taken care of. Me, however, I get to just tough it out. Not fun.

There has been an amazing show of support, but the worst time usually falls at 3am when no one is around. I’m wide awake, my pulse racing, my brain running, my stomach twisted in knots and no one there to comfort me. I have a recurring nightmare where I’m trying to go to work, but my old boss won’t let me in… what a heartbreaking disappointment he turned out to be. I almost feel the need to write him a personal letter, but I know it’s useless. He’s from a different planet, and will never understand all the things I *did* do. And how I did not deserve this.

It’s hard. I can honestly say this is one of the hardest times of my life. If I didn’t have Alex, I’d just take a pay cut, waitress for a while until another job popped up, and sleep a lot. But once you have a kid, it’s not that easy. She needs me, and honestly, at this point, I need her. She’s carrying me through this, driving me to be a better person. I can’t take a pay cut; I have a mortgage. I can’t give up. The only option is to get up and push through.

I need your prayers. I am not a perfect person, and right now, I really need all the help I can get.

“Shh!”

“Shhh!”

“Shhh!”

“Shhhh!”

“I’m MOMMY-Whispering!”

(My apologies to those that have never seen the Dog Whisperer. Just proceed to the next post as if this never happened.)

“You could go back to waitressing.”

“Uh uh. Last resort.”

“What about taxes?”

“Possibility.”

“How are you on a pole?”

“Absolutely not. But ask me again in a month if I’m still unemployed.”

So here’s the trouble with on-line job hunting: after a while, your eyes start to cross and you lose track of what you’ve already done vs. what you were holding on to until you get your portfolio in order.

And that’s another problem, too. I have 3 portfolios.  And none of them are up to what I consider “par,” because I wasn’t quite expecting to lose my job at the moment. Chalk up the external drive disaster on top of that, and I have over 300 CDs that I have to individually sort through. (This is one time the OCD pays off. At least they’re all labeled.)

You know, the funniest thing about this whole situation is that everyone assumes I have other revenue rolling in. I don’t. The Chronicle doesn’t pay me to blog, my freelance stuff was at a standstill, and we’re still pouring all of OMCs profits back into the company, so I have no income. There’s the possibility of seminars in the near future (since I’ve been teaching for FREE up to this point), but contrary to popular belief, I am NOT rolling in cash.

I have *got* to stop working for free.

Well, it’s the dawn of a new day. Four days after one of the worst days of my life, I’m starting to realize that this is actually a blessing in disguise. Granted, I’ve barely eaten, I haven’t slept, and the anxiety is at a level I never imagined possible, but I’m still here.

The outpouring of support and love is overwhelming. My old staff took me to lunch yesterday, each one expressing their love and gratitude. That meant so much to me; I may not have been perfect in the company’s eyes, but the people who had to work for me both respected and appreciated everything I did for them. I fought back the anger of my situation and tried to encourage them to shake it off and still appreciate what they had. It’s a wonderful company to work for. Just don’t stray from the rules.

I searched back in my history to try to find a time where I lost my boss, then actually wanted to take them to lunch afterwards. I couldn’t think of a single time. So that alone boosted my spirits.

I’ve sent out twenty resumés, posted to every job board I could find, contacted four headhunters, and registered at a temp agency. A few friends have passed my resumé on to key people at my church and at the Chronicle. I registered for unemployment, and signed up with the Texas workforce site. I practically stalked the art director at my church, sitting in the church café for the past two days trying to get a moment to talk to him. The timing is difficult right now; many people are knee-deep in Christmas, waiting to hire after the first of the year. But there is hope; I’ve been told by many people that they were actually hired the week after Christmas, so don’t give up hope.

I hear that a lot. Don’t give up hope. It’s been another rough year… hanging onto hope is getting difficult. Another speed bump in my job search is my external hard drive (the one the company decided to search) mysteriously died, taking with it all of my portfolio items. It’s almost as if God is saying, “Pictures, STUPID!” All signs have continuously pointed towards OMC. So I spent the last two days immersed in OMC, surrounding myself with the dream I’m trying to pursue, making sure this is really what I want to do with my life.

I can honestly say, yes, this is what I want to do.  Pausing only for the occasional bathroom break and nervous glances at my email accounts, the wheels have begun to turn.  Can I tough it out for a few months until this thing takes off?  Am I willing to work a “suck” job for a while, just so that I may one day have everything I’ve dreamed of?

Again, yes.

As each day wears on, I’m starting to realize that my identity was never defined by my old company. If anything, I was told on more than one occasion that I was too talented for what I was doing, and I needed to break free. Break free… shoved out the door…. does it really matter at this point?  The point is, I AM free, and instead of stressing about it anymore, I am realizing that this may be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I woke up this morning with a sick feeling.  Actually, that’s not true; I never went to sleep last night, because the last thing I heard at work yesterday was that I was terminated.

It’s a strange feeling to wake up with no sense of purpose.  No reason to get up early, yet I did anyway.  Thankfully, I didn’t have Alex, so she didn’t have to witness the mini-breakdown last night.

I keep playing things over and over in my head; what could I have done differently? I wish my boss would have given me some warning, some hint at his unhappiness of my performance. I know I risk a lot by telling the truth here, but I never expected it to be used against me as ammunition for my termination. I stopped talking about my company over 2 years ago, except for the occasional sarcastic remark on Plurk when I was having a bad day.

The truth is, I was a “daylighter.” It’s more common than you think; working two jobs during the same hours. In an effort to make a more comfortable life for me and my daughter, I’ve now made it worse. The thing that bothers me the most, though, is that I always made sure all my work was done for my day job before I did stuff for my freelance. It was something I took great pride in; I am an exceptional multi-tasker. Quite often, I would have an automated process running in the background while I worked on pictures. Could I have been multi-tasking with my day job stuff? Absolutely. Now I wish I had… but there’s nothing I can do about what’s past. I take full responsibility for my actions.

I’ve learned a valuable lesson in this; don’t assume that when you’re good at your job that you’re safe. Don’t assume because a co-worker is nice to you that they are your friend. Don’t freelance on company time, no matter how safe you think it may be.

And don’t ever, ever take anything for granted, because once you get comfortable with something, God has a way of yanking the rug from beneath you to keep you moving forward.

Christmas is coming at an alarming pace, and with it I’m caught in a tornado of emotions. There’s excitement at my daughter’s reaction Christmas morning, thankfulness that my parents will be here to witness it, and happiness that I will have at least one more “normal” Christmas with my family as I know it.

But there’s also a little apprehension; of course I hate that I have to share the holiday with a man I will forever be linked to. It hardly seems fair; he wrecks my family but suddenly has a new one… he lives happily ever after as I sit here struggling with how to even approach a relationship anymore. The baggage he has left me makes me distrustful, cynical, and worst of all…. fearful. The relationships I’ve attempted up to this point have been shallow; yet one person has chosen to see through that and try to pull me through.

I’ve been kicking and screaming the whole way.

I’m terrified and exhilarated by what’s in store for me in 2009. My heart cannot take another disappointment like the last one, and that makes me guarded and timid… if I can just break free from the fear, I think that there are great things waiting for me.

She still looks like my baby, until I see the pictures and realize how much she’s grown…