Whirlwind
Christmas is coming at an alarming pace, and with it I’m caught in a tornado of emotions. There’s excitement at my daughter’s reaction Christmas morning, thankfulness that my parents will be here to witness it, and happiness that I will have at least one more “normal” Christmas with my family as I know it.
But there’s also a little apprehension; of course I hate that I have to share the holiday with a man I will forever be linked to. It hardly seems fair; he wrecks my family but suddenly has a new one… he lives happily ever after as I sit here struggling with how to even approach a relationship anymore. The baggage he has left me makes me distrustful, cynical, and worst of all…. fearful. The relationships I’ve attempted up to this point have been shallow; yet one person has chosen to see through that and try to pull me through.
I’ve been kicking and screaming the whole way.
I’m terrified and exhilarated by what’s in store for me in 2009. My heart cannot take another disappointment like the last one, and that makes me guarded and timid… if I can just break free from the fear, I think that there are great things waiting for me.
December 15th, 2008 at 5:30 am
I look at where you are, come up with 4 paragraphs, delete them all, and surmise none of are what you need. I’m at the point of contentment with what I have, hate is gone, fear is gone, yet…. the memory and feelings of that time are still fresh. Not a bad thing, as much a part of something happened to me once. Though I see in my future something far brighter I could imagine, watchful of beauty. Saw a photograph a week ago, done by an artist I know, it was made so perfect that it made me cry for reasons I dont understand yet. I am so very glad I saw it, and profoundly appreciative. Perhaps that is the one thing of value my past has given me, a profound appreciation of what is truly beautiful? I feel that is right.