Suburban Goddess

I’ve been unemployed for two weeks now. In the grand scheme of things, it’s really not that long at all. But in Kristie-time, it feels like FOREVER, and the panic attacks are plentiful.

Christmas was a small distraction, but even that was marred by an onslaught of strep throat (which also sent my parents home early). I lay on the floor covered in three heavy blankets, shivering as my daughter opened her presents.

Suddenly, I also understand the importance of health insurance.

Thankfully, Alex is covered under Chip’s insurance, so if she falls ill, at least she’s taken care of. Me, however, I get to just tough it out. Not fun.

There has been an amazing show of support, but the worst time usually falls at 3am when no one is around. I’m wide awake, my pulse racing, my brain running, my stomach twisted in knots and no one there to comfort me. I have a recurring nightmare where I’m trying to go to work, but my old boss won’t let me in… what a heartbreaking disappointment he turned out to be. I almost feel the need to write him a personal letter, but I know it’s useless. He’s from a different planet, and will never understand all the things I *did* do. And how I did not deserve this.

It’s hard. I can honestly say this is one of the hardest times of my life. If I didn’t have Alex, I’d just take a pay cut, waitress for a while until another job popped up, and sleep a lot. But once you have a kid, it’s not that easy. She needs me, and honestly, at this point, I need her. She’s carrying me through this, driving me to be a better person. I can’t take a pay cut; I have a mortgage. I can’t give up. The only option is to get up and push through.

I need your prayers. I am not a perfect person, and right now, I really need all the help I can get.

This entry was posted on December 29, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.