Paranoia
Since the bomb dropped, I’ve had a really hard time sleeping. I’m never hungry. I’m trying not to let the stress overwhelm me, trying to take things a day at a time.
It’s hard.
But a far worse side effect of this ordeal is a renewed state of raging distrust. I looked up to my boss, and considered him a friend. He was a father-figure in my life; I had a misguided sense that he would always do the right thing for *me.* Of course, that included disciplinary action when I deserved it (get your minds out of the gutter, punks!). But I always assumed it would be a fair and just punishment, with all my years of service and all the *many* things I did outside of my job description, including playing Mac expert to an entire department. I was paid a fair salary for my job description, but let’s face it… I was an IT expert, a manager, a full-time graphic artist (who still made quota EVERY WEEK), a software trainer, a project planner, and sometimes a babysitter. My department ran with minimal overtime, an industry-leading accuracy rate, and without all the drama every other art department seems to struggle with.
Didn’t any of this mean anything?
And let’s look at the personal side of it. I’m a single mom struggling to make ends meet; he had a daughter in my exact same situation. He often sympathized with my plight. I assumed if my performance was that poor, I would have gotten some type of warning, if not for anything, then just out of simple human decency.
That is what kills me the most out of this entire situation. It was the most cold, calculating, and heartless thing someone has ever done to me by someone I admired, respected, and trusted. The repercussions of his behavior have sent shock waves through my life, making me re-evaluate every relationship I am in. My romantic life is taking the worst of it; I can’t deem anyone trustworthy anymore, and the mistakes made by those I love are magnified to epic proportions. I live in fear and anxiety, wondering who is going to hurt me next. The walls have shot up around me; letting anyone in right now is impossible, despite the fact that I feel totally and completely alone.
The small circle of friends that I have has suddenly gotten even smaller… but I am thankful that there are still a few people I know I can trust. There are a few who have seen me through this kind of hell before. Without you, I don’t know how I’d get through life.
I love you guys. You know who you are.
December 31st, 2008 at 6:47 am
This is exactly why I can’t understand people who are personal friends with co-workers. I don’t do office Christmas parties, I don’t like birthday lunches. We aren’t meant to be friends at work. We work, we go home.
The other thing is, you made yourself expendable, I left before they fired me because my attitude was bad. It was a hard pill to swallow for me, but I had a bad attitude. And even if people like you where you work, the fact of life is that management can hate you or HAVE to cut you. It’s easier to leave when you have fewer emotional ties.
Knot
December 31st, 2008 at 9:12 am
Well, for what it’s worth I do hope you have a good New Year. Try to think of it as taking another path.
December 31st, 2008 at 11:37 am
I have taken to washing my mind stuff which isn’t right, by mentally throwing it in a box I call: “SHITE BOX” Some things are best thrown in that box, and left alone further running through my mind. Read some where that the box is actually our character builder. In the box sits, observed & perceived greed of others. Lot (if not most all) Politics I’ve read about, Most of the news I have read, and on and on the list goes. My character seems to be,,,,,,,,,,, immovable of items that are similar whats in there. I presume this latest writing enables you put it in the box, good idea?
Gotta have the oh shite box, build the character, or make us stronger, because LIFE IS FULL OF BS HAPPENINGS every day which the box is well suited for.
Trust is a word, easy for my confuse it with things need be thrown in the oh shite box!
Dropped how many pounds have you?
Missed how many items for the box?
Didn’t realize you had to maintain a box?
Pull the walls back inside and re-make your box so you are on the outside and not feeling alone, cause you are not alone even beyond your friends, your words have heart which can be seen and felt.
Oh,,, at the very bottom of the box, is where sit NPD people, they deserve at least be at the very bottom.