Throughout my life, I’ve known people who always have a “stand-by” ready when their relationship fails. As their relationship starts to skid, they look for advice from the outside, and before you know it, you’ve confided deep secrets in someone instead of taking the route you should have:
Confiding in your spouse/significant other.
It’s a dangerous path, because all too often, those feelings can strengthen until they develop into something else. I know; I’ve seen it happen. And for those who think I’m judging, or referring to my ex, I’m not.
I’m confessing.
I’ve done it in my life. I’ve done it more than once. Rather than deal with confrontation, I would pick up the phone, call a close friend, and start ranting. Of course, all you’re doing is complaining about your relationship all the time, so naturally, your “friends” will tell you it’s all wrong for you. So then you start looking outside of your relationship for what it’s *supposed to look like.*… and when you start looking, you will find it, I guarantee you. You’ll be lying next to your spouse at night, thinking about how much happier you could be with another person… the guilt eats you alive, adds to the growing resentment. But you stay faithful; you made a commitment.
Don’t you realize you’ve already left?
As time passes, I’ve grown to realize my part in the failure of my marriages. No, I didn’t cheat physically. But there were things that they could not give me. Rather than ask, I looked to the outside. It seems harmless, to talk to another human being about your fears, your frustrations, your hopes and dreams. For me, it’s particularly easy; I hold nothing back. In the case of the second marriage, it was almost necessary to feel like I had a human connection; he was not a bad man, but he was not interested in hearing about my aspirations. He would support me, but had no desire to be part of them. It was very lonely.
As he pulled away, I knew what was coming. When he moved out, I knew he wouldn’t be back. When he said “divorce,” I was devestated. So I looked to a friend. And of course, he was there.
You can’t make your relationship work if you’re already looking at the next one. There’s no lack of people in my life who have expressed their interest in dating me, but there is one big difference that has come to light lately; I no longer leave that door open. And it scares the crap out of me to close it.
My friend D calls us “collectors.” Collectors keep lots of people around who feed their fragile egos. It seems harmless; a couple of people who tell you how awesome you are, how sweet you are, how lucky someone is to have you… Let’s face it; everyone loves an ego boost. But it’s when you come to rely on those people that you have a serious problem.
That was me.
For the sake of self-esteem, I would keep certain people around; people who would tell me how great I was. People who would tell me I was beautiful. People who would do and say the things that I so desparately wanted to hear from the person I was with… and it would be wonderful for a while, until tough times came. In steps the next “friend,” always eager to be there… and while there would not be a physical relationship, there is still a bond there that should not have been until the other door was fully closed.
If you’re hiding a relationship, any relationship, from the one you love, you have a serious problem.
If, on the other hand, someone is open and honest about that relationship with you and you’re a jealous maniac, then YOU have a problem.
As a woman who has more man friends than female ones, I can imagine that’s pretty hard to deal with. On the flip side, if my man has close ties with another woman, I’m jealous… unless she makes it clear she’s not after my man. Hypocritical? Absolutely. I still ahve some work to do.
Making myself aware of these personal character flaws has been a long and painful process. There are certain truths about myself I’ve had to deal with. There are immeasurable amounts of fear in dealing with them. I’ve had to change behaviors within myself that go against years of bad habit. I’ve had to let go of some monster insecurities and put my trust in people that, quite frankly, I’m scared to trust.
But at some point, my life has got to change. If I keep seeing the same mistakes over and over again, I have to come to grips with it… maybe I’m not the victim. Maybe I’m the problem.
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Posted by Kristie
