Suburban Goddess

There’s certain milestones that one has to reach before moving on to the next level; today I made it through one. I had to go to my old home to pick up my daughter. The home that I picked out with my ex-husband, the home I intended on staying in for many years to come… the home that he now inhabits with his new wife and family.

I knew I couldn’t do this by myself. In all actuality, I’d done it once before on Christmas Day, but I sent my father to the door… I didn’t know how to do this myself, so I asked the only person in Houston that I trust with that level of vulnerability. I asked the BF.

Most men would probably run the other direction when they see the baggage that I carry… but strangely enough, he understands it. Perhaps it’s our parallel lives, perhaps it’s our warped senses of humor, perhaps it’s just the unique connection that we share. Either way, he was there for me, and I more appreciative than words can begin to descibe.

It’s strange to pull up to the house you used to live in. Nothing on the front of it has changed; even the rusty Texas star still sits on the front porch, never hung, never moved. The daylillies I planted were shooting their bloom stalks high; I used to love when they would open and reveal their vibrant colors, signaling the end of another winter.It was almost as if I was stuck in a moment in time, taken back to the day I’d planted them.

I stood rooted to the driveway for a moment, the memories flooding back… none of them were happy ones. It is hard to think of this as anything other than “my house,” but there was no joy in that thought. Before I realized he was even out of the car, the BF walked past me towards the back gate in the direction of The X’s voice. I didn’t want to walk back there; I knew what I would see would make me angry, but it was too late. So I peeked my head around and was promptly greeted by my ex-stepson.

This is knife number one. I miss that kid more than words can express sometimes. I’ve never been prevented from seeing him, but it has never been encouraged either. The excuse was “I’m protecting him,” from “all your drama.” That never really flew with me; PBug knew about TOW before I did, and I believe the truth is he didn’t want the kid to spill the beans before he got the ink on the divorce papers. Had I known the true circumstances of our separation, we both know I wouldn’t have been so congenial.  I will never forgive the X for putting his child in the position to lie to me about another woman. It was selfish and cruel. But it is the past now… and it doesn’t seem to have done any more damage than the rest of it all. Thank goodness children are resilient.

The second knife was the backyard, which I’d heard about, but did not want to see. There, in the space that I’d landscaped perfectly in my head, sat a new patio, a new pool… this from a man who never wanted a pool, who constantly complained about cost, and maintenance, and what a wasteful endeavor they were to have. He would never even entertain the idea with me, yet with her, it was done under the span of two years.

Wow.

The third, and less painful knife, was exactly as I expected. Curt, quick and sharp replies… and being totally ignored by EW3. Again. I don’t know why I come to expect anything less; the funny thing is, it’s like he’s a completely different person when she’s around. When she’s not, we can have a civil, almost friendly conversation, but if she’s there, it’s almost as if he feels obliged to put on a “I hate my ex-wife” show. It bothers me, especially when I’ve extended the olive branch to the woman who essentially destroyed my family. If I can let it go, then damn, woman, you can too. Say hello for once.

It was this very moment that I realized where my lack of self-esteem comes from. It was an epiphany; he was just one in a very long line of men (not that long, that sounded really bad) who swore that I was the greatest thing that ever hapened to them, only to be replaced in record time. It wasn’t just the X, it was all of them. Men who told me I was the only one. Men who swore their life to me. Men who told me that they’d never met anyone like me, and couldn’t imagine life without me.

Men who found other women, usually before the door was even closed behind me.

It is the root of all that’s wrong with me. It is the heart of my trust issues; how can I believe anything that anyone ever says to me when it comes to love? My whole concept of love is deeply flawed in every way… and the realization was like a brick was lifted from my heart.

Love was standing next to me.

Love was the man who has seen me through some of the roughest times I ever thought possible, through that dark period that I didn’t know how to get through. Love forgave my insanity. Love forgave my horrible mistakes. Love held my hand when I needed him too, and love kicked me in the ass when it needed to be kicked. Love didn’t sugarcoat the issues, love didn’t hide things from me, love didn’t say “love” just for the sake of saying it. Love knew the value of communication, and even in the times that I didn’t know how to communicate, love found a way through.

Love is deeply rooted in reality, yet finds some way to transcend it… Love takes me to places that I didn’t think I would ever go.

This is different. This is different from anything I’ve ever experienced or known. I don’t know what will become of it, and I don’t know where the future will take us, but I know, in my heart, I am finally free of the pain that’s haunted me for so long. This was it… this was the last step. Standing in front of that house, in that moment that I’d built up for so long in my head… it was over and done. There’s nothing left to fear. There’s no more knives left to be turned in my heart. There’s no reason left for anger. I’ve come to expect the worst, and the worst is still a million times better than what some other women have to endure.

If this BF turns out to be like the rest, well… I can’t waste the beautiful gift I’ve been given worrying about the “what if’s.” For now, I will just live in each moment as it passes, making decisions that may not be easy, but knowing in my heart that they are the right ones.

I am not the same person anymore. I think that is a very good thing.

This entry was posted on April 13, 2009 at 3:06 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.