Suburban Goddess

KristieMac: I’ll never take a window for granted again. Or the ability to jump out of it. Or the ability to shove someone through it.

ninbroken52: @KristieMac GOOD TIMES!

I started my spring cleaning yesterday, which consists of shoving a bunch of crap from one side of my house to another to make me feel better about myself. In every room of my house, I go through the drawers and cabinets and remove items that don’t belong there; for some reason, tools migrate to my bathroom and hair products constantly end up in my kitchen. I don’t know why. I’m quite sure they have feet.

Either way, I noticed a peculiar trend.

The first time I noticed this trend was when my beloved X decided to run off with another woman and I was packing my stuff to leave (yeah, I’m still bitter about that). Beneath my bathroom cabinet, there was a box that I would put my bottles of lotion in. A Bath & Body Works sale here, a Victoria’s Secret clearance there… before I knew it, I had 43 bottles of lotion.

43. Bottles. Of. Lotion.

No person on the planet is dehydrated enough to warrant 43 bottles of lotion. Ashamed of my addiction, I closed up the box and marked it “bathroom.”

Fast forward two years later… and as I wander around my house, I unearth a bottle here, a bottle there, a tube here, a tub there (body butter really shouldn’t count, in my opinion). The pile kept growning. To my horror, it did not already include the box in the bathroom marked “bathroom.”

At the end of the day (which still did not include two closets or my garage), I had 32 new bottles of lotion. For a whopping 75 bottles total.

Is there a 12 step program for this?

“Just for the record, I am not going to ANOTHER of your weddings”

“LOL… you didn’t come to the second one!”

“One was enough. Your husbands have a certain half-life.”

“I’ll bet you’re one of those people who never return the buggy at the grocery store.”

“Uh, yeah…. why?”

“Just a hunch.”