How Did I Get Here?
After a near collapse yesterday, I dragged myself back into work today because if I am not working, I am not getting paid. Considering I’m running in the red already, every day I spend hacking in my bed just puts me that much further behind.
My current job is basically non-contracted contract work. No holidays, no sick days, no benefits. The hours are strict and the boss is king. You come in on time, you do as you’re told, and you don’t ask questions because if you do, you weren’t paying attention the first time you were told the instructions.
Basically, it’s the opposite of everything I ever wanted. But it’s a paycheck, and I have responsibilities that must be taken care of.
I had a moment of self-pity as I dragged myself out of bed this morning. I looked in the mirror, and a tired, withered, frizzy redhead stared back at me with red-rimmed eyes and a horrible complexion. I looked heavenward and asked God my typical statement, “Why? Why me?”
And I swear I heard him answer, “Duh, stupid. Because you made every choice that lead you here.”
I *had* a gravy job. I just got greedy. No one put a gun to my head to marry that man I married; I chose to. My current financial situation? Get another job or cut back. Life really *is* that simple.
And that got me thinking to how much I take for granted. I really do… many single mothers are toiling away at crap jobs living in tiny apartments trying to scrape by because the baby daddies don’t take care of their responsibilities. My job may not be uber-glamourous, but it pays the bills. And it’s still in the field I want to work in; it’s just not the ideal environment. I know many graphic designers who have given up altogether on the design field, and now are simply waiters, retail people or worse: just unemployed.
I wish that I could stay focused on the things I do have, instead of constantly looking for the things I don’t. I need one of those little angels on my shoulder, only mine would wear black leather and thump me on the head every time I start whining about how horrible my life is. “Hey! Stupid! Shut up and look around!”
Oh yeah. Duh.