“I’m pretty sure I saw you on TV last night.”
“Um… okay…..”
“Did you ever see ‘Dude, Where’s My Car?’”
“Yeah….”
“You remember the HOT CHICKS IN BLACK? That’s you, right in the middle!”
(laughling) “Uh, thanks… I think…”
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Posted by Kristie
Let me begin with this heart-felt sentiment… I LOVE my child. I love her more than anything.
Now, that being said, when she turned four, it’s like someone flipped a switch and she has not stopped talking since. I didn’t mind the constant talking for a while; she would make the cutest vocabulary mistakes that made for precious stories. But now her vocabulary has expanded, and she often tries out new words that make absolutely no sense. That’s fine, except when you try to correct her, she ARGUES about it.
I know my mother is doing a happy dance right now.
I find myself losing patience more often… usually to the point where I have to close my eyes and take a deep breath to keep from snapping at Alex. Her reckless disregard for words describing time are both confusing and frustrating, as is her utter lack of patience. So tonight, I am ashamed to say, I lost it.
Alex was in the bathroom playing in the bathtub while I sat at my office computer trying to knock out some albums, but she continued to talk despite the distance. If I do not answer immediately, I get a volley of, “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” until I answer. However, when I would answer, I could not hear what she was saying. So I would yell back, “Wait a minute, I can’t hear you!”
But she would not wait. And here they came again.
“Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!”
It was like fingernails down the blackboard.
“ALEX! I SAID WAIT! I CAN NOT HEAR YOU!”
Finally, the silence I had craved settled upon my household. I felt a little guilty, because that tone usually makes her little face well up and her lower lip pucker out, but in my selfishness I just wanted FIVE MINUTES of FREAKING QUIET. So I took a deep breath and enjoyed it….. as it stretched on…. a little too long……and then the guilt set in. What if I’d really hurt her feelings? Suddenly, I felt horrible. I waited a moment before calling out:
“Alex? What are you doing?”
“WHAT DID YOU SAY MOMMY? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”
Forehead into desk.
Smack.
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Posted by Kristie
I thought it would be fun to introduce Alex to the candy phenomenon known as Pop Rocks; I had no idea it would be this funny.
“Ahh! Mommy! There’s something WRONG with this candy!!”
“What do you mean, Boog?”
“It’s got AIR in it!! CRUNCHY AIR!”
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Posted by Kristie
On Sunday morning, my BF was on Facebook when he noticed RC Concepcion of Layers TV was on chat. Since we both planned to attend RC & Dave Cross’ Austin class the following day, he invited RC out to shoot night photos with us that evening.
“Ha. RC shoot with US?” I laughed. He’s an Adobe Rock Star. Why would he be interested in hanging with a couple of fans on a Sunday evening? As the evening approached and the rain began to fall, I figured he would be a no-show. But around 6pm, I received a text message on my PERSONAL PHONE. I held it up in disbelief at the BF.
“Oh my God! RC Concepcion just texted ME!”
It was close to 10:30pm before we finally met him; he seemed tired at first, but willing to play. We wandered around 6th Street before turning down Congress Ave. towards the Capital Building. If you haven’t shot the Capital Building at night, I highly recommend finding a clear night to do it; between the rain and haze, it wasn’t an easy shoot. We walked the full length of the building, shooting both the front and back. Along the way, we discussed HDR with RC, who gave us some pointers. Here it was, midnight, and I’m getting pointers on HDR from an Adobe guru.
Surreal.
About that time, we were getting tired, so we headed back towards Congress Ave. to make the walk back to our hotels. But as we walked down the front walkway, we were intercepted by a policeman.
“Well, what are you guys doing here with all that camera equipment at midnight? Either you’re a bunch of terrorists, or I’d venture to say you’re photographers.” The BF, being in law enforcement, took the lead and immediately started a conversation with the trooper, explaining that we were showing RC the great capital of Texas, and that he’d never been to our amazing state before. That lit the trooper’s pride, and he pointed up to the dome.
“Then you’ve never seen the dome before from the inside?” he asked RC.
“No sir, I haven’t.”
“Well, are you going to be here tomorrow?”
“He’s teaching a class tomorrow,” the BF interjected.
The trooper was pensive for a moment… “Well, would you like to see it?”
“Oh, yes sir,” RC exclaimed. “I’d love to.”
The trooper shook his keys. “Well, come on then. You can’t come to Texas and not see the dome.” I looked at the BF in disbelief. Seriously, if you don’t know a cop, get to know one… the perks are immeasurable. We followed the trooper up the capital steps and into the main rotunda. I stood in absolute awe of my luck: here I was, at midnight, standing in the Texas state capital with an Adobe Rock Star as our local trooper explained the history of the building. I looked at the BF and blinked before pinching myself. For real???
The trooper continued with the history of the building, pointing to the star at the top and explaining that the only way up was a winding spiral staircase. RC smiled and commented that the view must be amazing from up there. The trooper furrowed his brow.
“Well, it’s something else, I tell ya. You afraid of heights?”
For real???
Before I could comprehend the situation, I was on a spiral staircase with a wicked case of vertigo, suspended high above the marble inlay and RC gasping for air behind me… I giggled from the sheer absurdity of it all. We continued up, and up, and up… until we reached the very top of the dome, where the trooper unlocked the door to a tiny ledge.
“Okay, you can’t go this high and not make the 360.”
As I stepped out into the cool Austin night air, I ceased to breathe. I flattened my back against the tin panel behind me, horribly unnerved as it moved beneath my weight. Even more unnerving; knowing that a 2 and a half foot sheet of tin and a foot of steel beneath my feet was all that separated me from plummeting to a very messy death. Beneath us, a flock of birds passed by. But as the moments passed, and I had a breathtaking view of Congress Avenue that few other people have ever been allowed to witness, the joy of the moment began to sink in… I creeped around the ledge, taking in all of Austin before ducking back into the door and thanking God for both the experience and surviving it.
Before we left to go down, we had to take the shot from the top: the shot that involves hanging your camera over a ledge with an eight-story drop to a marble floor. My legs were already shaking from the outside ledge; at this point, I just couldn’t stop laughing. To my left, the BF sat wtih his camera pointed at RC, to my right, RC stood with his camera extended as far as it would go and a look of comical terror on his face. Behind him, the trooper wedged his shoes against his heels. You know, in case RC fell over. (!!!) And plummeted to his death on the marble floor. Because that would have sucked. After a few moments, he was finally satisfied with the shot and we began the journey back down the spiral staircase, which, if possible, was more terrifiying than the journey up.
Did I mention I did the whole thing in high-heeled boots? Would you expect anything less?
On the way back down, RC commented that he had a new respect for a friend of his that shot the Empire State Building.
A friend of his. The Joe McNally.
Freaking surreal.
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Posted by Kristie
Codependency is going to destroy my relationship. I know that I’m broken; you can’t live through two divorces and come out unscathed, but I was at a loss on how to fix myself. The term “codependent” has been thrown at me several times in my life, so out of curiosity, I Googled it. Because, you know, the answer to everything is on the Internet:
“Symptoms of codependence may include controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, problems with intimacy, excessive caretaking, hypervigilance, or physical illness related to stress. Codependence is often accompanied by clinical depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of frustration or sadness over their inability to improve their situation.
Have you ever felt that someone has a book about you, and is reading it back to you with a smirk on their face? Upon reading this, there was almost a sense of relief; thank God, I’m not crazy. I just have a borderline mental condition. (???) But it’s so nice to know I’m not the only one fighting this disorder; there are recognizable symptoms, and geniune treatments of the problem.
I know the person who has the most problem with this is the BF; he sees the symptoms, but takes them at a very personal level. Maybe it’s the male thing: they always have to “fix” it…. but he can’t fix this. This is something that’s been part of me my entire life. It surfaces at times it never should: after an incredible weekend, in a moment where I should feel secure, at times when eveything should feel okay. He doesn’t understand it, which just adds to my anxiety… and usually compounds the problem. Instead of bringing us closer together, it wedges us apart. I’m at a loss on how to deal with it anymore; I sought professional help, but the result wasn’t quite what I expected. My best friend laughed at me:
“You’re the only person I know who will quit therapy because you don’t like what the therapist tells you.”
But it wasn’t like that; I *had* a therapist who was awesome, but I lost my insurance and she’s not covered under the new one. She often told me things I didn’t want to hear (including that my husband at the time had already checked out, and I needed to move on with my life), but I had a sense that she understood. The recent therapist was, well, a quack: “Well, you know what they say. Where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire. You should trust your gut reaction.”
Really? Because my gut reaction changes every fifteen minutes… this is the advice you give me?
I look everywhere for help… to friends, to family, to professionals, to the BF…. and yet, nothing ever gives me the peace that I seek. And therein lies my problem; the answer lies within myself, but I do not trust my judgment enough to listen.
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Posted by Kristie
Me: UGH!! ME TOO. STUPID game.. lol
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Posted by Kristie
There are things that happened as my marriage dissolved that did unspeakable damage to me. My self-esteem was ripped to shreds, my concept of trust irreparably altered. Words that *should* mean something have become useless to me… “I love you” used to fill my heart with joy; now I eye the phrase with suspicion.
“For how long?”
I am broken.
The truth of the matter is, no matter who ends up with me in the end (if anyone), they will be tested. They will be watched. The rug was pulled so swiftly beneath me before, that I am constantly pacing the length of it, watching every corner. I take that horrible, heart-wrenching experience and dissect it, determined not to let it happen to me again. And in that search, I destroy only myself.
People are what they are. They don’t change under duress; they only alter their behavior for a time. True change comes from a genuine need within; true change comes from needed to be a better person both inside and out. In the past three years, parts of me have changed, and not all for the good. I’m a much nicer person, but I’m also very cynical, suspicious and bitter. I have no concept of trust. My own mistakes compound the fear, making me aware that if I can fail, then how easy it must be for others.
I just don’t want to live this way anymore. I want a heart clear and free of all the suspicion, the fear, and the doubt. I wonder if I didn’t take enough time to heal before sailing into another relationship… I never had the intention of being in one so soon, anyway. It just kind of happened. I wonder if the issues that both of us carry are ever going to fade, or if we’ll ever find a way to at least co-exist with them. Either way, I want to change. I want an open heart again.
Every day I pray for peace. I pray for a clear and precise path. I pray for God’s plan to become clear. And I’ll be damned if at that moment, my phone rings or a text message appears. Every. Single. Time.
Either that’s one hell of a coincidence, God’s hand, or there’s cameras installed.
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Posted by Kristie