Round Two
There are things that happened as my marriage dissolved that did unspeakable damage to me. My self-esteem was ripped to shreds, my concept of trust irreparably altered. Words that *should* mean something have become useless to me… “I love you” used to fill my heart with joy; now I eye the phrase with suspicion.
“For how long?”
I am broken.
The truth of the matter is, no matter who ends up with me in the end (if anyone), they will be tested. They will be watched. The rug was pulled so swiftly beneath me before, that I am constantly pacing the length of it, watching every corner. I take that horrible, heart-wrenching experience and dissect it, determined not to let it happen to me again. And in that search, I destroy only myself.
People are what they are. They don’t change under duress; they only alter their behavior for a time. True change comes from a genuine need within; true change comes from needed to be a better person both inside and out. In the past three years, parts of me have changed, and not all for the good. I’m a much nicer person, but I’m also very cynical, suspicious and bitter. I have no concept of trust. My own mistakes compound the fear, making me aware that if I can fail, then how easy it must be for others.
I just don’t want to live this way anymore. I want a heart clear and free of all the suspicion, the fear, and the doubt. I wonder if I didn’t take enough time to heal before sailing into another relationship… I never had the intention of being in one so soon, anyway. It just kind of happened. I wonder if the issues that both of us carry are ever going to fade, or if we’ll ever find a way to at least co-exist with them. Either way, I want to change. I want an open heart again.
Every day I pray for peace. I pray for a clear and precise path. I pray for God’s plan to become clear. And I’ll be damned if at that moment, my phone rings or a text message appears. Every. Single. Time.
Either that’s one hell of a coincidence, God’s hand, or there’s cameras installed.