A Brand New Sky to Hang The Stars Upon Tonight
Codependency is going to destroy my relationship. I know that I’m broken; you can’t live through two divorces and come out unscathed, but I was at a loss on how to fix myself. The term “codependent” has been thrown at me several times in my life, so out of curiosity, I Googled it. Because, you know, the answer to everything is on the Internet:
“Symptoms of codependence may include controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, problems with intimacy, excessive caretaking, hypervigilance, or physical illness related to stress. Codependence is often accompanied by clinical depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of frustration or sadness over their inability to improve their situation.
- tendency to place the needs and wants of others first and to the exclusion of acknowledging one’s own
- continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others
- anxiety and boundary distortions relating to intimacy and separation
- difficulty expressing feelings
- excessive worry how others may respond to one’s feelings
- undue fear of being hurt and/or rejected by others
- self-esteem dependent on approval by others
- tendency to ignore own values and attempt to adhere to the values of others”
Have you ever felt that someone has a book about you, and is reading it back to you with a smirk on their face? Upon reading this, there was almost a sense of relief; thank God, I’m not crazy. I just have a borderline mental condition. (???) But it’s so nice to know I’m not the only one fighting this disorder; there are recognizable symptoms, and geniune treatments of the problem.
I know the person who has the most problem with this is the BF; he sees the symptoms, but takes them at a very personal level. Maybe it’s the male thing: they always have to “fix” it…. but he can’t fix this. This is something that’s been part of me my entire life. It surfaces at times it never should: after an incredible weekend, in a moment where I should feel secure, at times when eveything should feel okay. He doesn’t understand it, which just adds to my anxiety… and usually compounds the problem. Instead of bringing us closer together, it wedges us apart. I’m at a loss on how to deal with it anymore; I sought professional help, but the result wasn’t quite what I expected. My best friend laughed at me:
“You’re the only person I know who will quit therapy because you don’t like what the therapist tells you.”
But it wasn’t like that; I *had* a therapist who was awesome, but I lost my insurance and she’s not covered under the new one. She often told me things I didn’t want to hear (including that my husband at the time had already checked out, and I needed to move on with my life), but I had a sense that she understood. The recent therapist was, well, a quack: “Well, you know what they say. Where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire. You should trust your gut reaction.”
Really? Because my gut reaction changes every fifteen minutes… this is the advice you give me?
I look everywhere for help… to friends, to family, to professionals, to the BF…. and yet, nothing ever gives me the peace that I seek. And therein lies my problem; the answer lies within myself, but I do not trust my judgment enough to listen.