Suburban Goddess

Sometimes, no matter how well you plan something out, God comes along and pulls that rug right from beneath your feet.  I’m starting to wonder why I even bother anymore; every move is preceded by this prayer:

“Dear God, if this isn’t what you want, can you *please* find a *nice* way to show me?”

How many times have I hit the floor and prayed for a sign, a direction to the path I’m supposed to follow? Some things are crystal-clear: I’ve found my calling in a career. My daughter is supposed to be my focus of my life. When people need me, I try to be there.

But some things are still cloudy. My relationships are all changing; people moving in and out of my life… my family, new friends, old friends… some ties growing closer while others appear to be fading away… new people who need me and others who I have served my purpose with… I walk the lines carefully, trying to remain cognizant of the words I choose, the actions I make, the promises that leave my lips.

At some point, it will all come back to me, I know. I’ve seen it. Patience, virtue, and honesty have to win in the end… they just have to.

Otherwise, what’s the point of all this?

Life has gone into hyperdrive lately; between my day job, the business, the teaching, and being a mom, time is limited. Add a high maintenance-BF and issues with the ex, and my stress level continues to climb… sometimes I wonder if I can’t simplify my life. But to do so would mean having to cut out either a dream or a neccessity, and I’ve compromised enough of my life already; when you’re chasing your dream, it’s not SUPPOSED to be easy. That gives me hope that I must be close; I mean, look at all those E! True Hollywood Stories, right? (Perhaps it’s a good thing I don’t have cable anymore!) But they always hit rock-bottom before they hit stardom. I know I have the potential to fall pretty far; my life is in no way bad… but the constant struggle is exhausting. At some point, will my life get easier again?  Or am I just so wrapped up in myself that I need to step away?

I think that may be the answer. I find when I step out to help someone else, suddenly the tornado in my head quiets to a low grey fog. Money will come again, I’ve discovered that. Stuff will come and go. I want to leave a legacy, and lately, my legacy is a whole lot of bitching and moaning.

Not really the way I want to be remembered.

I wish I could have an evening with my heroes, to ask them how they managed the tough times. I’d like to know what sacrifices they made; I’d like to know what they had to leave behind. I’d like to know how they got through the black cloud that tries to consume you, and how they managed to escape the doubts and fears that claw at your self-esteem. I want to know how they handle betrayals, and how they learned to forgive… or if they simply forgot.

I guess that’s part of what drives me; if I stay insanely busy, I don’t have to stop and deal with certain realities. If I keep my brain occupied with schedules and details and destinations, then I don’t have time to dwell on the things that hurt so much… but it’s in those quiet moments when my body simply gives out that I cannot escape those thoughts. It seems like so much work for such a simple goal; I just want to spend time with the ones that I love and enjoy what I do everyday. Sometimes I think I must be doing something wrong, because I’m working so HARD at everything… isn’t it all supposed to be easier than this?

I lean on the few things that have remained constant in my whirlwind life: my close friends, my family. I know whatever happens, I will survive. I’ve had a Viper as a daily driver and I’ve been homeless; I’ve seen the full spectrum of material life, and I realize it’s total irrelevance. I am thankful that I have a direction; I know what I want to do and I know what my calling is. I know where my talent lies and I know the blessings I have in friends and family to support me as I get there. At some point, I want to return that favor and take you all on that trip with me; a life fulfilled, a life of happiness, a life of contentment within a world of chaos.

It’s the least I can for all the bitching you poor people have endured from me.

The simplicity of these two words sums up my entire being at the moment. I am unspeakably angry: at life, at the X, at circumstances, at my own decisions. The feeling of powerlessness is overwhelming. When I stop and think, I know that I am not powerless. I know that I have rights. But I know that exercising those rights is going to cause an enormous amount of strife in my life, strife that I really don’t have the time or energy to deal with.

And so I feel alone in this fight; a feeling I’ve grown to accept and almost embrace. I take a deep breath and pray for guidance, for a sign…. for something to guide me back to a quiet, calm place where the storm in my head has rained out.

Please, please give me peace.

D: You know, pregnant women creep me out

Me: I am not the least bit surprised by that statement

D: lol… I would hope not. And don’t get me started on touching a pregnant woman’s stomach The sooner we can clone people in vats, the better.

Me: lol… funny, you don’t seem to have any issues with what CAUSES that…

D: Nope, not at all, i am a big fan of that. It is the parasite that bugs me

Me: Try being the host.

D: Seriously. You should be pro vat birth also

“You’re hardly ever online anymore.”

“Some of us have to work. I WORK. WORK-ING. You should try it sometime.”

“Whatever…. you just found somewhere else to troll, that’s all. What is it? Are you a Facebook junkie now? You’re not playing Farmville with all the other zombies, are you?”

(silence)

“Oh my gosh! Please tell me you’re not!!!”

“I have a REALLY COOL FARM….”

“And to think I used to look up to you…”

“You should see all my black sheep!”