But I *Am* Happy… Most of the Time
I’ve always been a complainer. It runs in my family… we just sound miserable by nature. Sometimes I hear myself and want to shut it off; as the words tumble from my mouth, I hear the negativity and try to pull them back. But it’s too late. They are already out there.
And once they’re out, they truly do set the mood… You can watch the negativity catch hold and spread. A couple of times in sheer curiosity, I would play a little social experiment on my old staff: I’d throw out a negative comment and watch it take hold of the mood of the entire department. Yet when I would come in upbeat, playful and cheerful, that mood would catch as well.
It was a powerful statement to me on two fronts: 1) the power of negativity and 2) the effect I had as a leader on my team. People looked to me for guidance.
It’s no secret that this past year has been difficult for me. I’ve been wallowing in a sea of self-pity for quite some time… and the negativity flows freely. If only it were as simple to be positive; if only people enjoyed gossiping about the GOOD things in their life as much as the bad. What is it about misery? Most cliches are founded in truth; misery LOVES company. But why? Why are we so readily drawn to it?
Why is it so hard for some of us to be happy?
It always bothers me when someone throws out, “It’s a choice.” Like I choose to be unhappy… really? Does anyone consciously choose misery over happiness? Now I’m not saying that my subconscious mind isn’t screwed up here, but if it were simply as easy as saying, “I’m gonna be happy,” don’t you think I’d DO THAT?
It’s no secret… I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m almost incapable at hiding my feelings. I’m HORRIBLE at poker. And I’ve had a rough year; there’s been many life setbacks that would knock a person to their knees over the course of time. Mine all decided to coincide with the year 2009. I’m not quite sure why I’m so aware of them all now; it seems like life until this year was deceptively easy. I try to hold on to the good things… I really do. I cling to my daughter’s happy little face, find thanks that I have a job and a roof over my head. I have an amazing support network of friends and family that have held me together this year. And above all, there is faith in God… despite it all, I know, I just KNOW I’m being prepared for something. I’m not sure what, but I sincerely trust that whatever it is, I just have to be aware that I am not in control of it.
So again… back to square one. Back to focusing on the good (and there is so much) in my life. It is a constant struggle, fighting the internal dialogue, but it’s not one I can afford to give up. I saw the greatest post the other day; it struck me so deeply I wrote it down and Post-It noted it in three places.
When you change, the environment will change.
It’s true. If you don’t believe me, try it yourself.