Hollow
There’s a point where so many bad things happen that you begin to just expect it. You steel your resolve and accept the inevitable… something bad is going to happen. It just does.
It’s a horrible way to live. You’re constantly dialed in to the bad, and you forget to experience the good because you’re too busy bracing yourself for the next blow. I could go down the laundry list of crappy things that have happened since the start of the year… but I stopped myself, because I discovered I was looking for things to add to the list.
“Oh, and this happened, and THIS, and don’t forget THIS…”
The sad thing is, I was so focused on that negative list, that I didn’t even stop to think about the good things. At the beginning of the year, I had a Good List; good things that were going to happen this year. Things to look forward to. Things that were going to make me happy. Then it became a competition between the lists, and the Bad List started to grow longer, eclipsing the Good List and drowning out the hope that I started with. It’s so hard to pull yourself out of it, though, when you feel like you’re drowning but people keep handing you bricks. So many facets of life trying to pull me under, pull me down…. and I’m tired.
But what can you do? You can’t give up, it’s just not an option.
So something inside of you disconnects; it’s like an emotional plug has been pulled, temporarily turning out the lights until you can get back on track. You go through the motions, praying for the meaning to come back, praying for change, praying for something to believe in again. I need it to change. I need things to be different.
This is not the life I was meant to lead; there is something greater out there waiting for me to find the path that leads me to it. I just wish there was a damn map.