Suburban Goddess

I’m annoyed, and I probably shouldn’t write when I’m annoyed… but I’ve never heeded that internal warning before, so…

Sometimes I try to do The Bonehead a favor. I was under the assumption he might be having a little financial difficulty, so I’ve tried to be understanding. I mean, my daycare is FREE. I should be overjoyed about that.

But sometimes, life is not about money.

Having to walk past the smirk every day is a bit much for me. Pulling up and seeing the Corvette just pours salt in the wound. (I know, it’s not hers, but it still reminds me of a life past that was, well, a whole lot easier financially. And the smirk reminds me why I’m not there anymore.) I know in the end, I am the winner on a much higher level, but when I’m busting my ass working all the time trying to keep some semblance of a normal life going for me and my kid, I just want to reach across the glass and punch that fake veneer smirk.

But I digress.

So Bonehead messes up the visitation all the time. Traveling here, gotta go there…. blah blah blah. He didn’t take her over the summer this year, which I am not surprised by. A while back, he tells me he has to “travel” most of the end of September.

I make assumptions. I make assumptions based on personal thoughts and experiences, and sometimes my assumptions are WAY off base because I do that. I ASSUME the only reason Bonehead would not be thee for his kid is because he is working. That is the only acceptable reason I would not be there. I understand, a night here, an event there, you may need a babysitter. Okay, I’ll give you that. But giving up a weekend, especially when you KNOW what weekends are yours, is not an option in my world unless I have to work. And being a single mom, I work more than I care to, but I do what I have to do.

My calendar is TIGHTLY bound in the next year as I try to hold down the day job, complete my teaching certificate, keep my group running, and work on my business. Now I have Alex’s school engagements, as well as my own. So it’s no longer an easy thing to re-arrange… but I do so that Bonehead can take care of his business as well.

So when I discover he’s ditched his daughter because he planned his little party that particular weekend, I get a little pissed off. I have a wedding, which I now have to pay a babysitter to keep my kiddo, which I am only working to SUPPORT my kiddo, and Bonehead is having his Titties and Beerfest.

Yes, I am annoyed.

At some point, I pray he has a Come to Jesus moment. I pray for it almost every single day as Alex grows older. I pray that his relationship with his daughter doesn’t end up like his sister’s and their father, but honestly…. given he’s followed his father’s footsteps almost to the letter, it would not surprise me. I pray he understands what’s important in this life before it’s too late.

Titties sag. Beer makes you fat. You may have great stories in the end, but if you haven’t made any TRUE friends and taken care of your family along the way, you’re going to die alone with your stories.

Happy birthday, Bonehead. I hope the life you’re leading is worth it.

“So has Tits McGee gotten off her lazy ass and gotten a job, or is she still riding the gravy train?”

“This is why I love you.”

“I think he’s a complete idiot for leaving you.”

“I didn’t think that was ever in question.”

“Maybe you should write an email.”

“No, it’s never a good idea for me to email when I’m angry.”

“How about a certified letter?”

“Really?”

“I don’t know. I’m really not that great at confrontation. I usually just stand in front of them and tell them F-off.”

“Yeah, I don’t think that sets the tone for positive communication.”

“Maybe not, but I always feel better.”

“Mommy, do I have to go to school today?”

“No, baby… it’s Saturday. You don’t have to go to school on Saturdays.”

“I love Saturdays.”

After a while, you learn to let go. It’s taken me a long time… too long, I think.

There are things in my professional life that are completely out of my control now. When I say professional, I’m talking all aspects of my career. My day job, my side job, my company, my Photoshop club. My day job is the educational system; that alone should tell you the red tape I have to wade through. The only control I have is my own behavior in my classroom; I have zero control over the kids, where they come from, what they will remember, what they will forget. The only thing I can do is teach my heart out, and hope it sticks.

If it does not, that is not necessarily a reflection of my abilities to teach; sometimes, some things are just out of my control.

My business is a mystery; I don’t have the time to devote to it. Someone else makes all the decisions concerning it. I have zero idea how we are going financially, and probably won’t until tax time. Even then, I still have no idea what I’ve been working for for the past three years, or even what the goal is anymore. I suppose I *could* control that, but honestly, at the moment, it’s simply not worth it to me. I don’t have the time to devote to it anyway, and my job has all but disappeared anyhow. That battle will have to wait until later. Again, out of my control. I can’t change people. I can only change myself and how I choose to react to it.

My group is quiet at the moment. This is somewhere I’m actually *ready* to give up control, but no one is stepping up. I love to teach… but I cannot continue to pour so much time and money into it.

Time and money. That’s what it seems life is all about. Either not enough time, or not enough money.

Honestly, I yearn for the money days. Money is easy. You can make more money. Money is tangible, money is attainable, money is worthless in the face of time. I would rather have one extra day with those that I love instead of a room full of money. But time I can’t buy, and I don’t have enough of, and honestly… when time is scarce, you begin to forget about all those other things.

My daughter is growing, my life is passing, my father is dying… I would give everything just to be there, and yet there’s just no time.

No time. No control. No way to slow it down.

Wow. Where do we start?

Shall I start with my father, who they don’t expect to make it through the holidays? Last time they tried to put him in his grave, he lived on for two years. Do you listen to the “specialists?” Do you panic every time the phone rings? Or do you just accept the inevitable; we ALL will die… why aren’t we telling the people we love that we love them EVERY SINGLE DAY? Why do we wait for words like “terminal” before we realize the worth of a single human life, and all the lives that one life touches?

I don’t know how to live a life without my father. I won’t have a choice at some point, and I guess that’s when I’ll try to figure it out. Until then, I still call him with my questions and concerns. He needs to feel needed just as much as I need him.

Maybe we should shift over to the enormous career change. Irony, my first ex points out how I’ve come full circle… perhaps. But I think I had to live the rest of my life the way I did to truly appreciate what I have now. Yes, after everything, I became a teacher. But I didn’t get stuck teaching something I didn’t care about; I teach what I LOVE. And the moment the light bulbs go off, it is both inspiring and exhilarating. But more importantly, it’s not the content that moves me us much as the personalities. Some of these kids are “throw-away” kids…. kids people have given up on. I was lucky; no one every made me feel stupid, or unwanted, or useless (well, at least not in school). I have so many, it’s hard to connect one-on-one with all of them, but I’m going to try. They frustrate and infuriate me at times, they push me and test their boundaries… but I love them all the same. I finally feel like I’m where God meant me to be.

But Lord, the work. Holy cow.

So many want to know about the relationship. How I woe and whine about it sometimes… you’d think I was miserable. Some people do think I’m miserable. I think that when you love someone, sometimes you look too hard, or take too much for granted, or judge too harshly. God knows I keep the bar HIGH after the last fiasco. There are many that would argue that I don’t hold the bar high enough; but I think that’s rather unfair. After all; he has to deal with ME.

I’ve learned a lot about myself during this journey. I expect perfection, romance, Prince Charming, Will Turner, Justin Matisse, with a hint of Jack Sparrow and a dash of Dexter.

I have that.

In my ruthless pursuit of perfection, I have made some huge mistakes. So has he. I think we may be over that. Only time will tell… but I have no more time to worry about things that don’t happen and drowning in “what if’s.” I’ll deal with those if they pop up, but until then, I will embrace every day with what I have. I don’t believe in fate anymore; life is God’s path, and where you are called, you must go.

The ex’s boneheadedness has been at a minimum lately; either that, or I’ve just ceased to care. He spends less and less time with Alex; maybe because he’s working more and more. My only regret is that she does not get enough time with her father, but I’m not going to lament too much on that because that just means she gets to spend more time with me. I’m sure in several people’s eyes I’m “ruining her..” My response?

Fuck off. Where were you?

My tolerance for unkindness and judgmental people has shortened of late. I suppose that makes me rather hypocritical. But I believe if more people were brave enough to call things as they see them, we wouldn’t be such a pansified society. Doesn’t anyone stand up for what they believe in anymore? I do. If you’re not trying to make the world better, get out of the way.

Everyone has an agenda. Even me.