One
One year ago today, I was holding the hand of my father as he passed. It’s amazing how much has changed in that one year… and how much has stayed the same.
I’ve seen apologies I never thought I’d see.
I’ve endured the mother of all betrayals.
I’ve watched karma bitch-slap those I thought deserved it; and took no pleasure in it.
I’ve watched karma kick me in the head, and went down for the count.
Through it all, I had to survive without the one man in my life I could always count on to be there for me. I didn’t know how I was going to survive without my daddy. He was there when I called him at 4am in a panic because my bathroom was flooding… and spoke the common sense I always counted on him for.
“Turn off the water, sunshine.”
So many little pieces of wisdom, so much advice I always ignored… yet he never told me “I told you so.” Well, maybe once, after my first divorce. But after that, he was just always Daddy, encouraging me to let things go, move on, and stop being so uptight. My heart aches at the thought of his rough hand holding mine, the endless bear hugs, the smile that greeted me at the door no matter how late I go in at night. I miss his voice, and how he would sing all the time. I miss sitting on the living room floor, watching him pick out the same old songs on his guitar. I miss the stories of his childhood, and how well he told them.
I miss him so much. I try not to think of the years ahead I still have to get through until I can see him again. While I know he is in a better place, and I truly believe that, I just wish he was still here with me.