Suburban Goddess

I’ve had some bizarre friend requests the past few weeks. The thing about Facebook is that you never know what someone’s intentions are. Do they sincerely care about you? Are they genuinely interested in your life? Are they “collectors,” just trying to boost their friend number to make them appear popular? Are they trying to get info on you to feed to someone else? Are they stalking you?

Are they just trying to get you to friend them so they can blast you on your wall and embarrass the crap out of you for all your friends and family to see?

I really have a love/hate relationship with Facebook these days. Ever since I caught my BF getting too chummy with a few girls on it, I’ve seen the danger of Facebook firsthand. It’s just too EASY to get yourself in a compromising position. There are an awful lot of lonely people out there, and some of them don’t give a damn about what your “relationship status” is. On one hand, I love seeing what people are doing on a day to day basis; it helps me feel like I’m part of their lives. But the reality is some of these people have not picked up the phone and called me in over five years… why should I CARE what they’re doing?

The strangest request came from an old boss. I was pretty sure he had nothing else to say to me at the end of our last conversation; I had publicly humiliated his wife on my blog, and he made it very clear that he felt I’d ripped them off while working for them. It was easily the worst work break-up ever (even worse than being escorted out of the telecommunication comglom), because I really DID do my best for them. I was berated, threatened, and slammed because I didn’t want to continue working for a company that paid me $15 an hour with no health benefits, a strict schedule, and an hour commute with rising gas costs. As a single mom, that situation was not working for me, and I’m sad they could not understand that. So when I saw the friend request, I instinctively had the urge to duck beneath my desk to avoid meeting his intense and demanding gaze. No thank you. Nothing personal. Ignore. Block.

Another request came from my old high school boyfriend. Again, we did not leave on the best of terms. In fact, the last time I saw him, he was choking a girl on the front sidewalk to prove that he loved me more than her (We do things a little different in Louisiana.) Needless to say, 20 years passed since that little incident… until he found me on Facebook. When I saw his picture, I stopped breathing for a moment, and not in a good way. That one sat in my inbox for a long time, until I finally decided it was time to see what happened. Curiosity killed Kristie. Accept. He’s matured a bit since then…. thankfully. He assures me he hasn’t choked anyone since then. That’s reassuring.

And this past week came the second request from my ex’s new stepchild. I have no relation to this kid in any way, but she *is* my daughter’s stepsister. I have nothing against the kid at all; she seems like a good kid, and I’d love to friend her.

It’s the baggage that bothers me.

I don’t know what kind of Facebook person her mom is, but considering the woman has no scruples about stealing husbands, I just don’t want her to be one step removed from all my personal information, you know? The kid might be the sweetest kiddo on the planet, but me and her mom have a past… and while I’ve learned to forgive and move on, I’m pretty sure it’s not written in the manual that we have to be friends, Facebook or otherwise. That’s asking for an awful lot. It just creeps me out. Do not like.

I’ve considered getting rid of the account all together. The BF dropped his shortly after I confronted him about his “conversations.” Of course, now I just live in fear that he’s communicating to floozies in some other way. At least Facebook makes it easy to catch a cheater: after all, that’s the way Husband #2 went down. I long for a secure and safe life… and the more I try to steer that direction, the farther I get from Facebook. I remember a time when I happily posted every waking moment of my life for the Internet to read.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking.

Well, here it is. A brand new year. And so far, it’s starting out like every other one for the past six years.

A big freaking disappointment.

I know it’s too early to write off an entire year, and I know I’m being overly pessimistic. But honestly, I’m just SICK of being disappointed. It’s one after another, and seriously?

I deserve better.

I remember being 15 years old, on a road trip with my parents, my best friend, and my two cousins. The younger of the two was hopelessly in love with his girlfriend. This was well before cell phones, and he talked constantly of her. My father and his sister teased him about how hopeless he was… but halfway through the trip he caught a flight home.

We were floored. Really?

But now, looking back, I WISH someone would be that into me. I wish someone cared about me with that kind of passion. I can go weeks without seeing the BF, and he barely seems to notice. Years pass by, and I’m still standing at the same dead-end street.

Why am I still standing here?