Distressed

Do you ever come across something you wish you had not seen? An image that you wish you could erase from your memory the instant that it hits your eyes? I’ve seen too many, evidence of a time I wish I could go back and make different choices. Perhaps if I had, things might be different now, and I’m not sure that would be a good thing. I *love* my life now. But it is not built on a solid foundation.

D & I had a pretty rocky road getting to where we are today. There were lies, deceit, and betrayal on both sides. I won’t pretend I was innocent; there were some nights I was crushed by loneliness,  waiting for promises to be fulfilled and changes to be made. There were so many lies. Lies on top of lies, on both sides. His inability to commit made for too many lonely nights, and I found solace in the arms of someone else. It wasn’t a lack of love; I loved him so much I was willing to let him go, and tried several times, so that he could figure out what he wanted once and for all.

He always came back. But with one foot in my home, and his other foot in another.

Perhaps that is why TBM hates me so much. I often wonder what it looked like on her side. Was he telling me the truth? Was he telling her something else? Was I the stupid and naive woman on the side, waiting for the man to leave his “wife?” According to him, he was already long gone.

But the pictures paint a different story.

I was already so damaged.  My trust had been ripped out long before I met him, yet something in me trusted him anyway. Imagine my shock when the first email came…

So I held him at arm’s length. I fell fast and hard, but still did not give my heart entirely to him. Something just wasn’t right. Something was missing. Something in my gut told me to wait… because something was not right.

Do you ever ignore that feeling? Do you ever convince yourself that it’s just the devil whispering in your ear, trying to make you doubt yourself, or keep you from finding happiness again? It’s the worst feeling, going against that intuition. And then the events unfold that tell you, no, you were right all along. And still you stay… because you can ignore that stupid feeling in your gut, but you can’t ignore the one in your heart.

You know the story. Eventually, I walked away. I walked away from the lies, the broken promises, the countless disappointments, and the most difficult love I’d ever experienced. I jumped headfirst into the first disaster of a man that threw himself at me, and convinced myself that it was better than living with D.

But love will not die.

My story makes no sense. It’s a complete train wreck. We were both genuinely AWFUL people. We both denied what was completely obvious in the beginning. We made all the wrong decisions at all the wrong times. I don’t think we could have hurt one another any more if we’d actually pulled out weapons. I can’t count the number of times I was sobbing on my kitchen floor in rage and frustration, or screaming wild-eyed  in a fit of  madness. My heart would go cold and numb with each transgression, but as the anger would fade, the ache was too difficult to bear. It took every single ounce of will power to walk away from this man… yet I could never stay away.

I sound like a pathetic country song. “But Momma, I LUV HYIM.” But I do. No matter what happens, no matter how much is revealed, no matter what the mistake, I forgive. But each time, the ground beneath my feet starts to crack. I pray for solid ground, for some sort of foundation that will carry the weight of the life I’ve built. I believe in change, and I believe you can overcome the past. I’m living proof.

I just don’t know if I believe he can.

 

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