Suburban Goddess

KristieMac: I’ll never take a window for granted again. Or the ability to jump out of it. Or the ability to shove someone through it.

ninbroken52: @KristieMac GOOD TIMES!

I awoke this morning to a dense fog; under normal circumstances, this would be ideal weather for, say, blowing off the entire day and staying in bed with the covers over my head. However, some stupid little principle called “responsibility” shoved me from my happy haven back into reality, and I had to drive into work.

It’s no secret how much I hate driving in Houston. In a perfect world with excellent driving conditions, Houston drivers are still stupid. I’m not quite sure why this is; part of me thinks it’s the whole “Texas” mentality that I’m starting to embrace. Bigger is better, it’s all mine, and get the hell out of my way  (Texas is like the mecca for only children. As a matter of fact, I AM.)

Anyway, to kill the time and relieve the pressure so my skull doesn’t fracture, I unleash my frustration on the digital world (further annoying my co-commuters) by playing on Twitter. Apparently I’m not the only person with this opinion on Houston drivers:

KristieMac : How to drive like a Houstonian; close eyes, hit gas. Especially entertaining on foggy mornings such as this.

DarthMolen@KristieMac How to drive like a Houstonian,Pt 2: Don’t use a blinker when changing lanes. Cut ppl off without warning and slow to 30 mph.

DarthMolen@KristieMac How to drive like a Houstonian,Pt3: Upon entering the freeway, immediately get over to far *left lane and maintain speed of 55mph

DarthMolen@KristieMac How to drive like a Houstonian, Pt4: When entering freeway,use right hand shoulder for half a mile until you can ram your way in.

DarthMolen@KristieMac How to drive like a Houstonian, Pt5: When in stopped traffic, use left hand shoulder as expressway.

DarthMolen@KristieMac How to drive like a Houstonian Pt.6: Semi-Trucks=Free Cut-in, esp. in stop-and-go traffic. N/m that there is less than car length

DarthMolen@KristieMac How to drive like a Houstonian, Pt7: When entering freeway, make sure to stop when you’re halfway on instead of accelerating.

DarthMolen@KristieMac In Houston, when you buy a new car, they charge extra for blinkers….

DarthMolen@KristieMac How to drive like a Houstonian, Pt8: In bumper to bumper traffic, make sure you change lanes every 3 seconds.

DarthMolen@KristieMac How to Drive like a Houstonian, Pt 9: If somebody cuts you off,be sure to tailgate them for 3 miles with brights on,honking horn.

DarthMolen@KristieMac How to Drive like a Houstonian, Pt10: When on Freeway, you must text message every contact in your phonebook at least once.

KristieMac@DarthMolen Wait a minute… I can text and drive. Honest!

DarthMolen@KristiMac Let me guess the technique. 2 hands on top of the wheel holding your phone and typing as you steer and try to watch the road?

KristieMac@DarthMolen Not even close; left-handed driving, not even LOOKING at the road. Type fast, then drive

KristieMac@DarthMolen The Life-Is-Short-Text-Fast-Or-Die Method

DarthMolen@KristieMac How to Drive like a Houstonian Pt.11: If you talk more than 2 hrs a day on phone while driving, you must boycott headsets

DarthMolen@KristieMac ok… I’m done with my driving quibbles. Moral of the Story? Driving in Houston is bad for your health…

KristieMac@DarthMolen Provided you live through it…

Special thanks to DarthMolen for providing my morning entertainment.